Handy Andy, Volume One | Page 5

"mistress," or drove out the nurse and children on the jaunting-car; and
many were the mistakes, delays, or accidents, arising from Handy
Andy's interference in such matters;--but as they were seldom serious,
and generally laughable, they never cost him the loss of his place, or
the squire's favour, who rather enjoyed Andy's blunders.
The first time Andy was admitted into the mysteries of the dining-room,
great was his wonder. The butler took him in to give him some
previous instructions, and Andy was so lost in admiration at the sight of
the assembled glass and plate, that he stood with his mouth and eyes
wide open, and scarcely heard a word that was said to him. After the
head man had been dinning his instructions into him for some time, he
said he might go, until his attendance was required. But Andy moved
not; he stood with his eyes fixed by a sort of fascination on some object
that seemed to rivet them with the same unaccountable influence which
the rattlesnake exercises over its victim.

"What are you looking at?" said the butler.
"Them things, sir," said Andy, pointing to some silver forks.
"Is it the forks?" said the butler.
"Oh, no, sir! I know what forks is very well; but I never seen them
things afore."
"What things do you mean?"
"These things, sir," said Andy, taking up one of the silver forks, and
turning it round and round in his hand in utter astonishment, while the
butler grinned at his ignorance, and enjoyed his own superior
knowledge.
"Well!" said Andy, after a long pause, "the devil be from me if ever I
seen a silver spoon split that way before!"
The butler gave a horse laugh, and made a standing joke of Andy's split
spoon; but time and experience made Andy less impressed with wonder
at the show of plate and glass, and the split spoons became familiar as
"household words" to him; yet still there were things in the duties of
table attendance beyond Andy's comprehension--he used to hand cold
plates for fish, and hot plates for jelly, &c. But "one day," as Zanga
says--"one day" he was thrown off his centre in a remarkable degree by
a bottle of soda-water.
It was when that combustible was first introduced into Ireland as a
dinner beverage that the occurrence took place, and Andy had the luck
to be the person to whom a gentleman applied for some soda-water.
"Sir?" said Andy.
"Soda-water," said the guest, in that subdued tone in which people are
apt to name their wants at a dinner-table.
Andy went to the butler. "Mr. Morgan, there's a gintleman----"

"Let me alone, will you?" said Mr. Morgan.
Andy manoeuvred round him a little longer, and again essayed to be
heard.
"Mr. Morgan!"
"Don't you see I'm as busy as I can be? Can't you do it yourself?"
"I dunna what he wants."
"Well, go ax him," said Mr. Morgan.
Andy went off as he was bidden, and came behind the thirsty
gentleman's chair, with, "I beg your pardon, sir."
"Well!" said the gentleman.
"I beg your pardon, sir; but what's this you axed me for?"
"Soda-water."
"What, sir?"
"Soda-water: but, perhaps you have not any."
"Oh, there's plenty in the house, sir! Would you like it hot, sir?"
The gentleman laughed, and supposing the new fashion was not
understood in the present company said, "Never mind."
But Andy was too anxious to please to be so satisfied, and again
applied to Mr. Morgan.
"Sir!" said he.
"Bad luck to you!--can't you let me alone?"
"There's a gentleman wants some soap and wather."

"Some what?"
"Soap and wather, sir."
"Divil sweep you!--Soda-wather you mane. You'll get it under the
side-board."
"Is it in the can, sir?"
"The curse o' Crum'll on you! in the bottles."
"Is this it, sir?" said Andy producing a bottle of ale.
"No, bad cess to you!--the little bottles."
"Is it the little bottles with no bottoms, sir?"
"I wish you wor in the bottom o' the say!" said Mr. Morgan, who was
fuming and puffing, and rubbing down his face with a napkin, as he
was hurrying to all quarters of the room, or, as Andy said, in praising
his activity, that he was "like bad luck--everywhere."
"There they are!" said Mr. Morgan at last.
"Oh, them bottles that won't stand," said Andy; "sure them's what I said,
with no bottoms to them. How'll I open it?--it's tied down."
"Cut the cord, you fool!"
Andy did as he was desired; and he happened at the time to hold the
bottle of soda-water on a level with the candles that shed light over the
festive board from a large silver branch, and the moment he made the
incision, bang went the bottle of soda, knocking out