Guide To Flirting | Page 6

resting on the table, she could create a sense of common
identity by ‘mirroring’ this aspect of his posture – leaning forward with her right forearm on the
table.
In addition to these ‘generic’ signals of interest, there are specifically male and female posture
signals which are often seen in flirtatious encounters. These tend to be postures which enhance

the masculine or dominant appearance of the male, and the femininity of the female. Males may
adopt postures which make them appear taller, larger and more impressive, such as placing hands
in pockets with elbows out to enlarge the chest, or leaning one hand at above shoulder height on
a wall to appear taller and more imposing. Females either adopt postures which make them look
smaller, such as drawing the knees towards the body when seated, or postures which draw atten-
tion to physical attributes attractive to males, such as arching the back to display the breasts, or
crossing and re-crossing the legs to draw attention to them.
Gestures
As well as overall body posture, the gestures we use can signal interest, attraction and invitation
– or discomfort, dislike and rejection.
When flirting, it is important to be aware of these non-verbal cues, both in ‘reading’ your part-
ner’s body-language and in controlling the messages you are sending with your own gestures.
In conversation, gestures are mainly used to enliven, clarify and ‘punctuate’ our speech, or to
show responsiveness to what the other person is saying. In a flirtatious encounter, the amount of
gesticulation, the directions of the gestures and the co-ordination of gestures can indicate the
degree of interest and involvement your partner feels towards you.
Different cultures vary widely in the amount of gesticulation that accompanies their speech
(Italians say that you can silence an Italian by tying his hands behind his back), and even within a
single culture, some people naturally express themselves more through gestures than others.
Generally, however, someone who is interested in you will be more lively and animated in con-
versation, using more gestures when speaking in order to keep your attention, and more respon-
sive gestures to show interest when you are speaking.
Similarly, you can signal interest in your partner, and keep his/her attention focused on you, by
enhancing your speech with appropriate gestures: shifting your hands or head slightly at the end
of sentences, using downward hand movements to emphasise a point, ‘projecting’ what you are
saying towards your partner by open-palm hand movements and so on. When your partner is
speaking, you can show responsiveness by nodding in agreement, throwing up your hands in
surprise, bringing them together in a ‘silent clap’ of appreciation, etc.
Researchers have found that nodding can be used to ‘regulate’ conversations. If you make single,
brief nods while your partner is speaking, these act as simple signs of attentiveness, which will
maintain the flow of communication from the speaker. Double nods will change the rate at which
the other person speaks, usually speeding up the flow, while triple nods or single, slow nods
often interrupt the flow altogether, confusing speakers so much that they stop in their tracks. So,
if you want to express interest and keep your partner chatting with you, stick to brief single nods.
You can also watch for gestures which indicate anxiety and nervousness, such as hand-clasping
movements and palm-rubbing. As a general rule, anxious gestures are directed towards the
anxious person’s own body (known as ‘proximal’ movements), while ‘distal’ movements, di-
rected away from the body, are a sign of confidence. As well as watching for these signals in your
partner, you can control the impression you are making by using more confident, ‘distal’ ges-
tures.

As with posture, the greatest involvement and harmony is achieved when gestures are synchro-
nised – when the movements of one person are echoed or reflected by the other. You may have
noticed that this tends to happen naturally between people who like each other and get on well
together. Watch pairs of lovers in a bar or pub, and you will see that they often tend to lift their
drinks and take a sip at the same time, and that many of their other body movements and gestures
will be similarly synchronised. Psychologists call this ‘interactional synchrony’ or ‘gestural
dance’, and some of their research findings indicate that the timing of matched gestures may be
accurate down to fractions of a second.
Although this synchronisation normally happens without conscious effort, you can use it as a
highly effective flirting technique. If you feel the conversation is not flowing easily, or you and
partner seem awkward and uncomfortable with each other, try to be more sensitive to the patterns
of his/her gestures and body movements, and to reflect these in your own body language.
If your partner spontaneously begins to synchronise his/her body language with yours, this is a
sign that he/she feels comfortable with you. Men should not assume that it necessarily indicates
sexual interest, however. Women can avoid creating this impression by reducing synchronisation,
adopting a more ‘closed’ posture and avoiding the use of gestures which are specifically associ-
ated with flirtatious behaviour.