Guide To Flirting | Page 5

response at 4ft, move in to ‘arm’s length’ (about 2ft 6in). If you try to
approach much closer than this, particularly if you try to cross the 18in ‘personal zone/intimate
zone’ border, your target may feel uncomfortable. The ‘intimate zone’ (less than 18in) is reserved
for lovers, family and very close friends. If you are close enough to whisper and be heard, you are
probably too close for comfort.
These distance rules apply particularly in face-to-face encounters. We will tolerate reduced
interpersonal distances when we are side by side with someone. This is because when you are
alongside someone, it is easier to use other aspects of body language, such as turning away or
avoiding eye contact, to ‘limit’ your level of involvement with the other person.
You can therefore approach a bit closer than ‘arm’s length’ if you are alongside your target – at
the bar counter of a pub, for example – rather than face-to-face. But be careful to avoid ‘intru-
sive’ body-language such as prolonged eye contact or touching.
If you have misjudged the appropriate distance, in either a face-to-face or side-by-side encounter,
the other person’s discomfort may show in his/her body language. Your target may attempt to
turn away or avert his/her gaze to avoid eye contact. You may also see ‘barrier signals’ such as
folding the arms or crossing knees, or rubbing the neck with the elbow pointed towards you. If
you see any of these signs, back off!
Finally, remember that different people have different reactions to distance. If your target is from
a Mediterranean or Latin American country (known as the ‘contact cultures’), he or she may be
comfortable with closer distances than a British or Northern European person. North Americans
fall somewhere between these two extremes. Different personality-types may also react differ-
ently to your approach: extroverts and those who generally feel at ease in company will be com-
fortable with closer distances than introverts and shy or nervous types. Even the same person
may vary in tolerance from day to day, according to mood: when we are feeling depressed or
irritable, we find close distances more uncomfortable.

Posture
Most of us are quite good at controlling our faces – maintaining an expression of polite interest,
for example, when we are really bored to tears, or even nodding when we really disagree! But we
tend to be less conscious of what the rest of our body is doing. We may be smiling and nodding,
but unconsciously revealing our disagreement by a tense posture with tightly folded arms. This is
known as ‘non-verbal leakage’: while we’re busy controlling our words and faces, our real
feelings ‘leak out’ in our posture.
When flirting, you should therefore watch out for signs of this ‘non-verbal leakage’ in your
partner’s posture – and try to send the right signals with your own posture.
Your partner’s ‘non-verbal leakage’ can give you advance warning that your chat-up isn’t work-
ing. If only his/her head is turned towards you, with the rest of the body oriented in another
direction, this is a sign that you do not have your partner’s full attention. Even just the feet start-
ing to turn and ‘point’ away from you can be a sign that his/her attention is directed elsewhere, or
that he/she is thinking about moving away. Leaning backwards and supporting the head on one
hand are signs of boredom. ‘Closed’ postures with arms folded and legs tightly crossed indicate
disagreement or dislike.
More positive signs to watch out for would be a partner’s body oriented towards you, particularly
if he/she is also leaning forward, and an ‘open’ posture. These are signs of attentiveness and
interest or liking. Experiments have also shown that females are more likely to tilt their heads to
one side when they are interested in the person they are talking to. Men should beware, however,
of automatically assuming that these signs indicate sexual interest. Women should be aware of
men’s tendency to make such assumptions, and avoid signalling interest too obviously.
Another positive sign is what psychologists call ‘postural congruence’ or ‘postural echo’: when
your partner unconsciously adopts a posture similar to yours. Mirror-image postural echoes –
where one person’s left side ‘matches’ the other person’s right side – are the strongest indication
of harmony and rapport between the pair. If the position of your partner’s body and limbs appear
to ‘echo’ or ‘mimic’ your own, particularly if his/her posture is a mirror image of yours, the
chances are that he/she feels an affinity with you.
When flirting, you can also use postural echo to create a feeling of togetherness and harmony.
Experiments have shown that although people are not consciously aware of someone deliberately
‘echoing’ their postures, they will evaluate a person who does this more favourably. If you ‘echo’
your partner’s postures, he/she will not only feel more at ease in your company, but will perceive
you as more like-minded.
This technique obviously has its limits. We would not suggest, for example, that a woman in a
mini-skirt should ‘echo’ the open-legged sitting posture of her male companion. But if he is
leaning forward with his left forearm