Guide To Flirting | Page 2

shared lifestyle and con-
cerns of students, and the informal atmosphere, make it easy for them to initiate conversation
with each other. Simply by being students, flirting partners automatically have a great deal in
common, and do not need to struggle to find topics of mutual interest.

Flirting is officially somewhat more restricted in learning-places than in drinking-places, as
education is supposed to take priority over purely social concerns, but in many cases the differ-
ence is not very noticeable. Taking a course or evening class may in fact provide more opportuni-
ties for relaxed, enjoyable flirting than frequenting bars and night-clubs.
Workplace
At work, flirting is usually acceptable only in certain areas, with certain people and at specific
times or occasions. There are no universal laws: each workplace or working environment has its
own unwritten etiquette governing flirtatious behaviour.
In some companies, the coffee machine or cafeteria may be the unofficial ‘designated flirting
zones’, other companies may frown on any flirting during office hours, or between managers and
staff, while some may have a long-standing tradition of jokingly flirtatious morning greetings.
Careful observation of colleagues is the best way to discover the unspoken flirting etiquette of
your own workplace – but make sure that you are guided by the behaviour of the most highly
regarded individuals in the company, not the office ‘clown’, ‘groper’ or ‘bimbo’.
Participant sports/hobbies
Almost any participant sport or hobby can involve flirting. The level of flirtatious behaviour,
however, often tends to be inversely related to the standards achieved by participants and their
enthusiasm for the activity.
You will generally find a lot of flirting among incompetent tennis players, unfit swimmers, cack-
handed potters, etc., but somewhat less among more proficient, serious, competitive participants
in the same activities. There are of course exceptions to this rule, but before joining a team or
club, it is worth trying to find out if the members have burning ambitions to play in the national
championships or win prestigious awards for their handiwork. If you are mainly looking for
flirting opportunities, avoid these high-flying groups, and seek out clubs full of happy, sociable
under-achievers.
Spectator events
Although they have the advantage of providing conversation topics of mutual interest, most
sporting events and other spectator pastimes such as theatre or cinema are not particularly condu-
cive to flirting, as social interaction is not the primary purpose of the occasion, and social contact
may limited to a short interval or require ‘missing the action’.
The most striking exception to this rule is horseracing, where all the ‘action’ takes place in just a
few minutes, the half-hour interval between races is dedicated to sociability, and friendly interac-
tion between strangers is actively encouraged by racecourse etiquette. In fact, our own recent
research on the behaviour of racegoers indicates that the ‘social micro-climate’ of the racecourse
makes it one of the best flirting environments in Britain.

Who to flirt with
‘Flirting for fun’
At one level, you can flirt with more or less anyone. An exchange of admiring glances or a bit of
light-hearted flirtatious banter can brighten the day, raise self-esteem and strengthen social
bonds. Flirtation at this level is harmless fun, and only the stuffiest killjoys could possibly have
any objections.
Clearly, it makes sense to exercise a degree of caution with people who are married or attached.
Most people in long-term relationships can cope with a bit of admiration, and may even benefit
from knowing that others find them or their partners attractive, but couples differ in their toler-
ance of flirtatious behaviour, and it is important to be alert to signs of discomfort or distress.
Research has also shown that men have a tendency to mistake friendly behaviour for sexual
flirting. This is not because they are stupid or deluded, but because they tend to see the world in
more sexual terms than women. There is also evidence to suggest that women are naturally more
socially skilled than men, better at interpreting people’s behaviour and responding appropriately.
Indeed, scientists have recently claimed that women have a special ‘diplomacy gene’ which men
lack.
This means that women need to be particularly careful to avoid sending ambiguous signals in
interactions with married men, and men need to be aware that married/attached males may misin-
terpret friendly behaviour towards their wives/girlfriends. Otherwise, light-hearted flirtation is
both harmless and enjoyable.
‘Flirting with intent’
But flirting is also an essential element of the mate-selection process, and when you are ‘flirting
with intent’, rather than just ‘flirting for fun’, you need to be a bit more selective about your
choice of target.
In mate-selection flirting, there are two basic rules about who to flirt with that will increase your
chances of success and reduce the likelihood of embarrassing rejections.
1. Do initiate flirtation with people of roughly the same level of attractiveness as
yourself.
This will give you the best chance of compatability. Most successful marriages and long-term
relationships are between partners of more or less equal good looks. There is some leeway, of
course, and other qualities are also important, but statistically, relationships where one partner is
much more attractive than the other tend to be less successful. Studies have shown that the