Guide To Flirting

SIRC Guide to Flirting
What social science can tell you about flirting and how to do it
Kate Fox
Social Issues Research Centre

Why do we flirt?
Flirting is much more than just a bit of fun: it is a universal and essential aspect of human inter-
action. Anthropological research shows that flirting is to be found, in some form, in all cultures
and societies around the world.
Flirting is a basic instinct, part of human nature. This is not surprising: if we did not initiate
contact and express interest in members of the opposite sex, we would not progress to reproduc-
tion, and the human species would become extinct.
According to some evolutionary psychologists, flirting may even be the foundation of civilisation
as we know it. They argue that the large human brain – our superior intelligence, complex lan-
guage, everything that distinguishes us from animals – is the equivalent of the peacock’s tail: a
courtship device evolved to attract and retain sexual partners. Our achievements in everything
from art to rocket science may be merely a side-effect of the essential ability to charm.
If flirting is instinctive, why do we need this Guide?
Like every other human activity, flirting is governed by a complex set of unwritten laws of eti-
quette. These rules dictate where, when, with whom and in what manner we flirt. We generally
obey these unofficial laws instinctively, without being conscious of doing so.
We only become aware of the rules when someone commits a breach of this etiquette – by flirt-
ing with the wrong person, perhaps, or at an inappropriate time or place. Chatting up a widow at
her husband’s funeral, for example, would at the very least incur disapproval, if not serious
distress or anger.
This is a very obvious example, but the more complex and subtle aspects of flirting etiquette can
be confusing – and most of us have made a few embarrassing mistakes. Research shows that men
find it particularly difficult to interpret the more subtle cues in women’s body-language, and tend
to mistake friendliness for sexual interest.
Another problem is that in some rather Puritanical cultures, such as Britain and North America,
flirting has acquired a bad name. Some of us have become so worried about causing offence or
sending the wrong signals that we are in danger of losing our natural talent for playful, harmless
flirtation.
So, to save the human race from extinction, and preserve the foundations of civilisation, Martini
commissioned Kate Fox at the Social Issues Research Centre to review and analyse all the scien-
tific research material on interaction between the sexes, and produce a definitive guide to the art
and etiquette of enjoyable flirting.
Psychologists and social scientists have spent many years studying every detail of social inter-
course between men and women. Until now, their fascinating findings have been buried in ob-
scure academic journals and heavy tomes full of jargon and footnotes. This Guide is the first to
reveal this important information to a popular audience, providing expert advice on where to
flirt, who to flirt with and how to do it.

Where to flirt
Parties
Flirting is most socially acceptable at parties, celebrations and social occasions/functions. At
some such events (e.g. Christmas/New Year parties) a degree of flirtatious behaviour is not only
socially sanctioned, but almost expected.
This is because most parties, celebrations, carnivals and festivals are governed by a special code
of behaviour which anthropologists call ‘cultural remission’ – a temporary, structured relaxation
of normal social controls and restrictions.
This might just sound like a fancy way of saying ‘letting your hair down’, but it isn’t. ‘Cultural
remission’ does not mean abandoning all your inhibitions, letting rip and behaving exactly as you
please. There are rules of behaviour at even the wildest carnival – although they may involve a
complete reversal of normal, everyday social etiquette. Flirtatious behaviour which is normally
frowned upon may be actively required, and prissy refusal to participate may incur disapproval.
Drinking-places
Flirting is also socially acceptable in some public settings, usually where alcohol is served – such
as bars, pubs, night-clubs, discos, wine bars, restaurants, etc. One survey showed that 27% of
British couples first met their current partner in a pub, and alcohol was voted the most effective
aid to flirting by respondents in the Martini Flirting Survey.
Flirting in drinking-places is, however, subject to more conditions and restrictions than at parties.
In pubs, for example, the area around the bar counter is universally understood to be the ‘public
zone’, where initiating conversation with a stranger is acceptable, whereas sitting at a table
usually indicates a greater desire for privacy. Tables furthest from the bar counter are the most
‘private’ zones.
As a rule-of-thumb, the more food-oriented establishments or ‘zones’ tend to discourage flirting
between strangers, while those dedicated to drinking or dancing offer more socially sanctioned
flirting opportunities. Restaurants and food-oriented or ‘private’ zones within drinking-places are
more conducive to flirting between established partners.
Learning-places
Schools, colleges, universities and other educational establishments are hot-beds of flirting. This
is largely because they are full of young single people making their first attempts at mate selec-
tion.
Learning-places are also particularly conducive to flirting because the