Grimm Tales Made Gay | Page 7

at last she had to come?To feigning she was wholly dumb,?Whereat the suitors swarmed around,?And soon a wealthy mate she found.?(_I_ think nobody ever knew?The happier husband of the two!)
_The Moral_ of the tale is: Bah!?_Nous avons changé tout celà._?No clear idea I hope to strike?Of what _your_ nicest girl is like,?But she whose best young man _I_ am?Is not an oyster, nor a clam!
[Illustration: _This shows why each suitor, who rode up to spark,
Would mark the toad maybe, but ne'er toed the mark._]
How Beauty Contrived to Get Square with the Beast
Miss Guinevere Platt?Was so beautiful that?She couldn't remember the day?When one of her swains?Hadn't taken the pains?To send her a mammoth bouquet.?And the postman had found,?On the whole of his round,?That no one received such a lot?Of bulky epistles?As, waiting his whistles,?The beautiful Guinevere got!
[Illustration]
A significant sign?That her charm was divine?Was seen in society, when?The chaperons sniffed?With their eyebrows alift:?"Whatever's got into the men?"?There was always a man?Who was holding her fan,?And twenty that danced in details,?And a couple of mourners,?Who brooded in corners,?And gnawed their mustaches and nails.
John Jeremy Platt?Wouldn't stay in the flat,?For his beautiful daughter he missed:?When he'd taken his tub,?He would hie to his club,?And dally with poker or whist.?At the end of a year?It was perfectly clear?That he'd never computed the cost,?For he hadn't a penny?To settle the many?Ten thousands of dollars he'd lost!
F. Ferdinand Fife?Was a student of life:?He was coarse, and excessively fat,?With a beard like a goat's,?But he held all the notes?Of ruined John Jeremy Platt!?With an adamant smile?That was brimming with guile,?He said: "I am took with the face?Of your beautiful daughter,?And wed me she ought ter,?To save you from utter disgrace!"
Miss Guinevere Platt?Didn't hesitate at?Her duty's imperative call.?When they looked at the bride?All the chaperons cried:?"She isn't so bad, after all!"?Of the desolate men?There were something like ten?Who took up political lives,?And the flower of the flock?Went and fell off a dock,?And the rest married hideous wives!
[Illustration]
But the beautiful wife?Of F. Ferdinand Fife?Was the wildest that ever was known:?She'd grumble and glare,?Till the man didn't dare?To say that his soul was his own.?She sneered at his ills,?And quadrupled his bills,?And spent nearly twice what he earned;?Her husband deserted,?And frivoled, and flirted,?Till Ferdinand's reason was turned.
[Illustration]
He repented too late,?And his terrible fate?Upon him so heavily sat,?That he swore at the day?When he sat down to play?At cards with John Jeremy Platt.?He was dead in a year,?And the fair Guinevere?In society sparkled again,?While the chaperons fluttered?Their fans, as they muttered:?"She's getting exceedingly plain!"
_The Moral_: Predicaments often are found?That beautiful duty is apt to get round:?But greedy extortioners better beware?For dutiful beauty is apt to get square!
[Illustration: _This shows how at poker one loses his pelf
When the other's a joker and knave in himself._]
How a Fair One no Hope to His Highness Accorded
She has slid down the channels?Of history's annals?Disguised as the child of a king,?But that is a glib?And iniquitous fib,?For she never was any such thing:?They called her the Fair One with Golden Locks,?And it's true she had lovers who swarmed in flocks,?But the rest is ironic;?Her business chronic?Was selling hair-tonic
By bottle and box!
From the dawn till the gloaming?She used to sit combing?Her hair in a languorous way.?And her suitors would stop?To look into the shop,?And stand there the rest of the day.?She filled them with mute, but with deep despair,?For she never glanced up, with a smile, to where?They stood about, crushing?Each other, and blushing:?She simply kept brushing
Her beautiful hair.
But a prince who was passing,?Engaged in amassing?Some facts on American life,?Was suddenly struck?By the fact that his luck?Might give him that girl for a wife!?His rashness he didn't attempt to excuse,?He entered the shop and he stated his views.?Remarking,
"My jewel,?I'm confident you will?Not wish to be cruel
Enough to refuse.
[Illustration]
"Most winsome of creatures,"?He told her, "your features?Have led me to candidly say?That no other beside?Would I have for a bride:?We'll be married a week from to-day!?I belong to a long and a titled line,?And the least of your wishes I won't decline;?Next month I will usher?My wife into Russia:--?Sweet comber and brusher,
Consider you're mine!"
She looked at him squarely,?Considered him fairly,?Her glance was as keen as a knife,?Then she turned up her nose,?And, with icy repose,?She answered: "Well, not on your life!?You're not on the paper the only blot!?Do you think I come twelve in a parcel--what??_Me_ pose as your dearie??Oh, go and chase Peary!?You're making me weary.
Now git!"
(He got!)
[Illustration: _This shows how, with never a shadow of doubt,
When you go in for love you are apt to come out._]
The crowd that had waited?Outside was elated?So much by the prince's mischance,?That they greeted with jeers?And ironical cheers,?The end of his little romance.?They said: "Did it hurt when the ground you hit?"?They searched for some mark where the prince had lit,?And as