Get Next! | Page 4

up and dance the snakentine dance every time you
take a trick. It looks more genteel and picturesque to do the two-step.
When your opponent has not followed suit it is not wise to pick out a
loud tone of voice and tell him about it. Reach under the table and kick
him on the shins. If it hurts him he is a cheater; if it doesn't hurt him
always remember that you are a lady.
Don't forget what is trumps more than eighteen times during one hand.
The limit used to be twenty-six times, but since the insurance people
have been playing Hyde and seek the best bridge whist authorities have
put the limit down to eighteen.
It isn't wise to have a conniption fit every time you lose a trick. Nothing
looks so bad as a conniption fit when it doesn't match the complexion,
and generally it delays the game.
When the game is close don't get excited and climb up on the table. It
shows a want of refinement, especially if you are not a quick climber.
Never whistle while waiting for someone to play. Whistling is not in
good taste. Go over and bite out a couple of tunes on the piano.
When your opponent trumps an ace don't ever hit him carelessly across
the forehead with the bric-a-brac. Always remember when you are in

Society that bric-a-brac is expensive.
Don't lead the ten of clubs by mistake for the ace of trumps and then
get mad and jump seventeen feet in the air because they refuse to let
you pull it back.
In order to jump seventeen feet in the air you would have to go through
the room upstairs, and how do you know whose room it is?
There, Gladys, if you follow these rules I think you can play the game
of bridge whist without putting a bruise on the Monroe doctrine.
P.S.--When you play for money always bite the coin to see if it means
as much as it looks.
The next day, in order to square myself with my wife for getting a letter
I hadn't any use for, I went to one of those New York department stores
to get her a birthday present.
Say! did you ever get tangled up in one of those department store mobs
and have a crowd of perfect ladies use you for a door mat?
I got mine!
They certainly taught me the Rojestvensky glide, all right!
At the door of the department; store a nice young man with a pink
necktie and a quick forehead bowed to me.
"What do you wish?" he asked.
"Well," I said; "I'm down here to get a birthday present for my wife. I
would like something which would afford her great pleasure when I
give it to her and which I could use afterwards as a pen-wiper or a
fishing-rod."
"Second floor; to the right; take the elevator," said the man.
Did you ever try to take an elevator in a department store and find that

3,943 other American citizens and citizenettes were also trying to take
the same elevator?
How sweet it is to mingle in the arms of utter strangers and to feel the
gentle pressure of a foot we never hope to meet again!
I was standing by one of the counters on the second floor when a shrill
voice crept up over a few bales of dry goods and said, "Are you a buyer
or a handler?"
"I am looking for a birthday present for my wife," I answered. "I want
to get something that will look swell on the parlor table and may, be
used later on as a tobacco jar or a trouser stretcher!"
"Fourth floor; to the left; take the elevator!" said the lady's voice.
With bowed bead I walked away.
I began to feel sorry for my wife.
Nobody seemed to be very much interested whether she got a birthday
present or not.
On the fourth floor I stopped at a counter where a lot of eager dames
were pawing over some chinchilla ribbon and chiffon over-skirts.
It reminded me of the way our dog digs up the vegetables in the garden.
I enjoyed the excitement of the game for about ten minutes and then I
said to the clerk behind the counter who was refereeing the match,
"Can you tell me where I can buy a sterling silver birthday present for
my wife which I could use afterwards as a night key or a bath sponge?"
"Fifth floor; to the rear; take the elevator!" said the clerk.
On the fifth floor I went over to a table where a young lady was selling
"The Life and Libraries of Andrew Carnegie" at four dollars a month
and fifty cents a week,