Get Next! | Page 3

a false alarm.
Every turtle we plunged on carried our money to the bonfire and
dumped it in.
"My little black man is whimpering, Bunch," I said. "I'm cured."
"One hundred and sixty bucks to the bad for mine," laughed Bunch. "I
guess that will hold me temporarily. Come on, John; let's hop in the
Bubble and dash back to the Hotel Astor; the girls will be waiting for
us."
We hurried to the spot where Flash Harvey was to leave the gas-hopper
but there was no sign of Flash or the machine.
Seven o'clock came and still no sign of Flash or the Bubble, and there
we sat, two sad boys without a baubee in the jeans, hungry to the limit
and with an ever present vision of our two worried wives displacing a
bunch of expensive space in a restaurant while they waited for us to
show.
It was pitiful.

Eight o'clock came, no Flash, no machine, while there we waited and
watched our hair as it slowly turned gray.
I had gone through my pockets till I wore holes in them without
locating anything in the shape money, but finally on about the 919th
lap Bunch discovered dollar bill tucked away in a corner, whereupon
we turned our faces to every point of the compass and called down
maledictions on the head of Flash Harvey, wherever he might be, and
then ducked for the trolley.
When we finally reached the Hotel Astor it was a quarter past ten, so
we decided it was too late for dinner and we didn't go in.
At home--but what's the use?
The war is over now and a treaty of peace has been signed.
We are even with Flash Harvey, though.
He got speed-foolish in the Bubble and tried to give an imitation of a
torpedo destroyer, with the result that a Reub constable pinched him
and the whole outfit and threw him in a rural Bastile for the night.
That's what delayed him.

JOHN HENRY ON BRIDGE WHIST
I received a letter the other day that put me over the ropes.
I'll paste it up here just to show you that it's on the level:
PHILADELPHIA, This Week.
Dear John:--I have never met you personally, but I've heard my brother,
Teddy, speak of you so often that you really seem to be one of the
family.

(Teddy talks slang something fierce.)
Dear John, will you please pardon the liberty I take in grabbing a
two-cent stamp and jumping so unceremoniously at one who is, after
all, a perfect stranger?
Dear John, if you look around you can see on every hand that the glad
season of the year is here, and if you listen attentively you may hear the
hoarse cry of the summer resort beckoning us to that burn from which
no traveller returns without getting his pocketbook dislocated.
Dear John, could you please tell me how to play bridge whist, so that
when I go to the seashore I will be armed for defraying expenses.
Dear John, I am sure that if I could play bridge whist loud enough to
win four dollars every once in a while I could spend a large bunch of
the summer at the seashore.
Dear John, would you tell a loving but perfect stranger how to play the
game without having to wear a mask?
Dear John, I played a couple of games recently with a wide faced
young man who grew very playful and threw the parlor furniture at me
because I trumpeted his ace. I fancy I must have did wrong. The fifth
time I trumpeted his ace the young man arose, put on his gum shoes,
and skeedaddled out of the house. Is it not considered a breach of
etiquette to put on gum shoes in the presence of a lady?
If you please, dear John, tell me how to play bridge whist.
Yours fondly, GLADYS JONES.
P.S.--The furniture which he threw was not his property to dispose of.
G.J.
When my wife got a flash of this letter she made a kick to the effect
that it was some kind of a cypher, possibly the beginning of a secret
correspondence.

It was up to me to hand Gladys the frosty get-back, so this is what I
said:
Respected Madam:--I'm a slob on that bridge whist thing, plain poker
being the only game with cards that ever coaxes my dough from the
stocking, but I'll do the advice gag if it chokes me:
Bridge whist is played with, cards, just like pinochle, with the
exception of the beer.
Not enough cards is a misdeal; too many cards is a mistake; and cards
up the sleeve is a slap on the front piazza if they catch you at it.
You shouldn't get