Frosts Laws and By-Laws of American Society | Page 5

and formal natures; but the dwelling upon them,
and exalting them above the moon is not only tedious, but doth
diminish the faith and credit of him that speaks."
To quote again from Lord Chesterfield, who says:
"Good sense and good nature suggest civility in general; but in good
breeding there are a thousand little delicacies which are established
only by custom."

It is precisely these "little delicacies" which constitute the difference
between politeness and etiquette. Politeness is that inborn regard for
others which may dwell in the heart of the most ignorant boor, but
etiquette is a code of outward laws which must be learned by the
resident in good society, either from observation or the instruction of
others.
It is a poor argument used against etiquette that it is not truthful, and
that uncouth manners are more frank and sincere than polished and
refined ones. Is truth then a hedgehog, always 3 bristling and offensive.
Cannot truth be spoken in courteous accents from a kind, gentle
impulse, as well as blurted out rudely and giving pain and mortification?
It is true that roughness and sincerity often abide together, but would it
destroy the honesty to polish away the roughness?
Etiquette, it is sometimes urged, is used to cloak what is hollow,
unmeaning and false, yet may it not also drape gracefully what is true,
sincere and important?
True politeness must come from the heart, from an unselfish desire to
please others and contribute to their happiness; when upon this natural
impulse is placed the polish of a complete and thorough knowledge of
the laws of etiquette, the manners must be perfect and graceful.
Etiquette added to natural politeness is as a beautiful jewel upon a
tasteful dress. Ruskin thus defines a gentleman:
"A gentleman's first character is that firmness of structure in the body
which renders it capable of the most delicate sensation, _and of that
structure in the mind which renders it capable of the most delicate
sympathies_--one may say simply fineness of nature. This is, of course,
compatible with heroic bodily strength and mental firmness; in fact,
heroic strength is not conceivable without such delicacy. Elephantine
strength may drive its way through a forest, and feel no touch of the
boughs, but the white skin of Homer's Atrides would have felt a bent
rose leaf, yet subdue its feelings in glow of battle, and behave itself like
iron. I do not mean to call an elephant a vulgar animal; but if you think
about him carefully, you will find that his non- vulgarity consists in
such gentleness as is possible to elephantine nature; not in his
insensitive hide, nor in his clumsy foot, but in the way he will lift his
foot if a child lies in his way; and in his sensitive trunk, and still more
sensitive mind, and capability of pique on points of honor....

"Hence it will follow, that one of the probable signs of high breeding in
men generally will be their kindness and mercifulness; these always
indicating more or less firmness of make in the mind."
Undoubtedly the first law of good breeding is unselfishness, that
thorough forgetfulness of one's own wants and comforts, and
thoughtfulness for the happiness and ease of others, which is the
Christian gentleman's rule of life; which makes him yield the easy chair
to another older and weaker than himself, and sit upon a narrow bench,
or perhaps stand up; which selects for another the choicest portions of
the dishes upon the table, and uncomplainingly dines off what is left;
which hears with smiling interest the well- worn anecdotes of the
veteran story-teller; which gently lifts the little child, who has fallen,
and comforts the sobbing grief and terror; which never forgets to
endeavor to please others, and seems, at least, pleased with all efforts
made to entertain himself. Place the code of politeness beside that of
vulgarity and see if the one does not contain all virtue, the other vice. Is
not good temper virtuous and polite, bad temper vicious and vulgar? Is
not self denial virtuous and polite, selfishness vicious and vulgar? Is
not truth virtuous and polite, scandal vicious and vulgar? Take every
principle in the conventional code of the perfectly well-bred, and so
define it, and not a virtue is rude.
True etiquette, as we have said before, is not politeness, yet it is
founded upon the same basis. An English author says:
"Etiquette may be defined as the minor morality of life. No observances,
however minute, that tend to spare the feelings of others, can be classed
under the head of trivialities; and politeness, which is but another name
for general amiability, will oil the creaking wheels of life more
effectually than any of those unguents supplied by mere wealth or
station."
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