First Plays | Page 8

But just for the moment, Mr. Clifton, I take it
that we are concerned with legal business. Should I ever wish to
produce a play, the case would be different.
CLIFTON. Admirably put. Pray regard me entirely as the solicitor for
as long as you wish. (He puts his hat down on a chair with the papers in
it, and taking off his gloves, goes on dreamily) Mr. Denis Clifton was
superb as a solicitor. In spite of an indifferent make-up, his manner of

taking off his gloves and dropping them into his hat--(He does so.)
MARGARET (to CRAWSHAW). I think, perhaps, Viola and I--
RICHARD (making a move too). We'll leave you to your business,
Robert.
CLIFTON (holding up his hand). Just one moment if I may. I have a
letter for you, Mr. Meriton.
RICHARD (surprised). For me?
CLIFTON. Yes. My clerk, a man of the utmost integrity--oh, but I said
that before--he took it round to your rooms this morning, but found
only painters and decorators there. (He is feeling in his pockets and
now brings the letter out.) I brought it along, hoping that Mr.
Crawshaw--but of course I never expected anything so delightful as this.
(He hands over the letter with a bow.)
RICHARD. Thanks. (He puts it in his pocket.)
CLIFTON. Oh, but do read it now, won't you? (To MR. CRAWSHAW)
One so rarely has an opportunity of being present when one's own
letters are read. I think the habit they have on the stage of reading
letters aloud to other is such a very delightful one.
(RICHARD, with a smile and a shrug, has opened his letter while
CLIFTON is talking.)
RICHARD. Good Lord!
VIOLA. Dick, what is it?
RICHARD (reading). "199, Lincoln's Inn Fields. Dear Sir, I have the
pleasure to inform you that under the will of the late Mr. Antony
Clifton you are a beneficiary to the extent of £50,000."
VIOLA. Dick!
RICHARD. "A trifling condition is attached--namely, that you should
take the name of--Wurzel-Flummery." (CLIFTON, with his hand on his
heart, bows gracefully from one to the other of them.)
CRAWSHAW (annoyed). Impossible! Why should he leave any
money to _you_?
VIOLA. Dick! How wonderful!
MARGARET (mildly). I don't remember ever having had a morning
quite like this.
RICHARD (angrily). Is this a joke, Mr. Clifton?
CLIFTON. Oh, the money is there all right. My clerk, a man of the
utmost--

RICHARD. Then I refuse it. I'll have nothing to do with it. I won't even
argue about it. (Tearing the letter into bits) That's what I think of your
money. [He stalks indignantly from the room.]
VIOLA. Dick! Oh, but, mother, he mustn't. Oh, I must tell him-- [She
hurries after him.]
MARGARET (with dignity). Really, Mr. Clifton, I'm surprised at you.
[She goes out too.]
CLIFTON (looking round the room). And now, Mr. Crawshaw, we are
alone.
CRAWSHAW. Yes. Well, I think, Mr. Clifton, you have a good deal to
explain--
CLIFTON. My dear sir, I'm longing to begin. I have been looking
forward to this day for weeks. I spent over an hour this morning
dressing for it. (He takes papers from his hat and moves to the sofa.)
Perhaps I had better begin from the beginning.
CRAWSHAW (interested, indicating the papers). The documents in the
case?
CLIFTON. Oh dear, no just something to carry in the hand. It makes
one look more like a solicitor. (Reading the title) "Watherston v.
Towser--in re Great Missenden Canal Company." My clerk invents the
titles; it keeps him busy. He is very fond of Towser; Towser is always
coming in. (Frankly) You see, Mr. Crawshaw, this is my first real case,
and I only got it because Antony Clifton is my uncle. My efforts to
introduce a little picturesqueness into the dull formalities of the law do
not meet with that response that one would have expected.
CRAWSHAW (looking at his watch). Yes. Well, I'm a busy man, and
if you could tell me as shortly as possible why your uncle left this
money to me, and apparently to Mr. Meriton too, under these
extraordinary conditions, I shall be obliged to you.
CLIFTON. Say no more, Mr. Crawshaw; I look forward to being
entirely frank with you. It will be a pleasure.
CRAWSHAW. You understand, of course, my position. I think I may
say that I am not without reputation in the country; and proud as I am
to accept this sacred trust, this money which the late Mr. Antony
Clifton has seen fit--(modestly) one cannot say why--to bequeath to me,
yet the use of the name Wurzel-Flummery would be excessively
awkward.

CLIFTON (cheerfully). Excessively.
CRAWSHAW. My object in seeing you was to inquire if it was
absolutely essential that the name should go with the money.
CLIFTON. Well (thoughtfully), you