First Plays | Page 5

of his name, which every man--ah--feels. Such a feeling is naturally
more present in my own case since I have been privileged to make the
name of Crawshaw in some degree--ah-- well-known, I might almost
say famous.
MARGARET (wistfully). I used to be called "the beautiful Miss
Debenham of Leamington." Everybody in Leamington knew of me. Of

course, I am very proud to be Mrs. Robert Crawshaw.
CRAWSHAW (getting up and walking over to the fireplace). In a way
it would mean beginning all over again. It is half the battle in politics to
get your name before the public. "Whoever is this man
Wurzel-Flummery?" people will say.
MARGARET. Anyhow, dear, let us look on the bright side. Fifty
thousand pounds is fifty thousand pounds.
CRAWSHAW. It is, Margaret. And no doubt it is my duty to accept it.
But--well, all I say is that a gentleman would have left it without any
conditions. Or at least he would merely have expressed his wish that I
should take the name, without going so far as to enforce it. Then I
could have looked at the matter all round in an impartial spirit.
MARGARET (pursuing her thoughts). The linen is marked R. M. C.
now. Of course, we should have to have that altered. Do you think R.
M. F. would do, or would it have to be R. M. W. hyphen F.?
CRAWSHAW. What? Oh--yes, there will be a good deal of that to
attend to. (Going up to her) I think, Margaret, I had better talk to
Richard about this. Of course, it would be absurd to refuse the money,
but--well, I should like to have his opinion.
MARGARET (getting up). Do you think he would be very sympathetic,
dear? He makes jokes about serious things--like bishops and hunting
just as if they weren't at all serious.
CRAWSHAW. I wish to talk to him just to obtain a new--ah--point of
view. I do not hold myself in the least bound to act on anything he says.
I regard him as a constituent, Margaret.
MARGARET. Then I will send him to you.
CRAWSHAW (putting his hands on her shoulders). Margaret, what do
you really feel about it?
MARGARET. Just whatever you feel, Robert.
CRAWSHAW (kissing her). Thank you, Margaret; you are a good wife
to me. [She goes out]
(CRAWSHAW goes to his desk and selects a "Who's Who" from a
little pile of reference-books on it. He walks round to his chair, sits
down in it and begins to turn the pages, murmuring names beginning
with "C" to himself as he gets near the place. When he finds it, he
murmurs "Clifton--that's funny," and closes the book. Evidently the
publishers have failed him.)

[Enter RICHARD.]
RICHARD. Well, what's the news? (He goes to his old seat on the
fender.) Been left a fortune?
CRAWSHAW (simply). Yes. ... By a Mr. Antony Clifton. I never met
him and I know nothing about him.
RICHARD (surprised). Not really? Well, I congratulate you. (He sighs.)
To them that hath--But what on earth do you want my advice about?
CRAWSHAW. There is a slight condition attached.
RICHARD. Oho!
CRAWSHAW. The condition is that with this money--fifty thousand
pounds--I take the name of--ah--Wurzel-Flummery.
RICHARD (jumping up). What!
CRAWSHAW (sulkily). I said it quite distinctly--Wurzel-Flummery.
(RICHARD in an awed silence walks over to the desk and stands
looking down at the unhappy CRAWSHAW. He throws out his left
hand as if introducing him.)
RICHARD (reverently). Mr. Robert Wurzel-Flummery, M. P., one of
the most prominent of our younger Parliamentarians. Oh, you...oh! ...
oh, how too heavenly! (He goes back to his seat, looks up and catches
CRAWSHAW'S eye, and breaks down altogether.)
CRAWSHAW (rising with dignity). Shall we discuss it seriously, or
shall we leave it?
RICHARD. How can we discuss a name like Wurzel-Flummery
seriously? "Mr. Wurzel-Flummery in a few well-chosen words
seconded the motion." ... "'Sir,' went on Mr. Wurzel-Flummery"--Oh,
poor Robert!
CRAWSHAW (sitting down sulkily). You seem quite certain that I
shall take the money.
RICHARD. I am quite certain.
CRAWSHAW. Would you take it?
RICHARD (hesitating). Well--I wonder.
CRAWSHAW. After all, as William Shakespeare says, "What's in a
name?"
RICHARD. I can tell you something else that Shakespeare--William
Shakespeare--said. (Dramatically rising) Who steals my purse with fifty
thousand in it--steals trash. (In his natural voice) Trash, Robert:
(Dramatically again) But he who filches from me my good name of

Crawshaw (lightly) and substitutes the rotten one of Wurzel--
CRAWSHAW (annoyed). As a matter of fact, Wurzel-Flummery is a
very good old name. I seem to remember some--ah--Hampshire
Wurzel-Flummeries. It is a very laudable spirit on the part of a dying
man to wish to-- ah--perpetuate these old English names. It all seems to
me quite natural and straightforward. If I take this money I