First Plays | Page 4

name of--Wurzel-Flummery."
MARGARET. Robert!
CRAWSHAW. "I have the honour to be, your obedient servant, Denis
Clifton." (He folds the letter up and puts it away.)
MARGARET. Robert, whoever is he? I mean the one who's left you
the money?--
CRAWSHAW (calmly). I have not the slightest idea, Margaret.
Doubtless we shall find out before long. I have asked Mr. Denis Clifton
to come and see me.
MARGARET. Leaving you fifty thousand pounds! Just fancy!
CRAWSHAW. Wurzel-Flummery!
MARGARET. We can have the second car now, dear, can't we? And
what about moving? You know you always said you ought to be in a
more central part. Mr. Robert Crawshaw, M.P., of Curzon Street
sounds so much more--more Cabinety.
CRAWSHAW. Mr. Robert Wurzel-Flummery, M.P., of Curzon
Street--I don't know what that sounds like.
MARGARET. I expect that's only a legal way of putting it, dear. They
can't really expect us to change our name to--Wurzley-Fothergill.
CRAWSHAW. Wurzel-Flummery.
MARGARET. Yes, dear, didn't I say that? I am sure you could talk the

solicitor round--this Mr. Denis Clifton. After all, it doesn't matter to
him what we call ourselves. Write him one of your letters, dear.
CRAWSHAW. You don't seem to apprehend the situation, Margaret.
MARGARET. Yes, I do, dear. This Mr.--Mr.--
CRAWSHAW. Antony Clifton.
MARGARET. Yes, he's left you fifty thousand pounds, together with
the name of Wurzley-Fothergill--
CRAWSHAW. Wurzel--oh, well, never mind.
MARGARET. Yes, well, you tell the solicitor that you will take the
fifty thousand pounds, but you don't want the name. It's too absurd,
when everybody knows of Robert Crawshaw, M.P., to expect you to
call yourself Wurzley-Fothergill.
CRAWSHAW (impatiently). Yes, yes. The point is that this Mr.
Clifton has left me the money on condition that I change my name. If I
don't take the name, I don't take the money.
MARGARET. But is that legal?
CRAWSHAW. Perfectly. It is often done. People change their names
on succeeding to some property.
MARGARET. I thought it was only when your name was Moses and
you changed it to Talbot.
CRAWSHAW (to himself). Wurzel-Flummery!
MARGARET. I wonder why he left you the money at all. Of course it
was very nice of him, but if you didn't know him--Why do you think he
did, dear?
CRAWSHAW. I know no more than this letter. I suppose he had--ah--
followed my career, and was--ah--interested in it, and being a man with
no relations, felt that he could--ah--safely leave this money to me. No
doubt Wurzel-Flummery was his mother's maiden name, or the name of
some other friend even dearer to him; he wished the
name--ah--perpetuated, perhaps even recorded not unworthily in the
history of our country, and--ah--made this will accordingly. In a way it
is a kind of--ah--sacred trust.
MARGARET. Then, of course, you'll accept it, dear?
CRAWSHAW. It requires some consideration. I have my career to
think about, my duty to my country.
MARGARET. Of course, dear. Money is a great help in politics, isn't
it?

CRAWSHAW. Money wisely spent is a help in any profession. The
view of riches which socialists and suchlike people profess to take is
entirely ill-considered. A rich man, who spends his money thoughtfully,
is serving his country as nobly as anybody.
MARGARET. Yes, dear. Then you think we could have that second car
and the house in Curzon Street?
CRAWSHAW. We must not be led away. Fifty thousand pounds,
properly invested, is only two thousand a year. When you have
deducted the income-tax--and the tax on unearned income is extremely
high just now--
MARGARET. Oh, but surely if we have to call ourselves
Wurzel-Flummery it would count as earned income.
CRAWSHAW. I fear not. Strictly speaking, all money is earned. Even
if it is left to you by another, it is presumably left to you in recognition
of certain outstanding qualities which you possess. But Parliament
takes a different view. I do not for a moment say that fifty thousand
pounds would not be welcome. Fifty pounds is certainly not to be
sneezed at--
MARGARET. I should think not, indeed!
CRAWSHAW (unconsciously rising from his chair). And without this
preposterous condition attached I should be pleased to accept this trust,
and I would endeavour, Mr. Speaker--(He sits down again suddenly.) I
would, Margaret, to, carry it out to the best of my poor ability.
But--Wurtzel-Flummery!
MARGARET. You would soon get used to it, dear. I had to get used to
the name of Crawshaw after I had been Debenham for twenty-five
years. It is surprising how quickly it comes to you. I think I only signed
my name Margaret Debenham once after I was married.
CRAWSHAW (kindly). The cases are rather different, Margaret.
Naturally a woman, who from her cradle looks forward to the day when
she will change her name, cannot have this feeling for the-- ah--honour