Fantastic Fables | Page 8

their honourable and warlike body:
"Comrades of the thunder and companions of death, I cannot but regard
it as singularly fortunate that we who by conviction and sympathy are
designated by nature as the champions of that fairest of her products,
the white metal, should also, by a happy chance, be engaged mostly in
the business of mining it. Nothing could be more appropriate than that
those who from unselfish motives and elevated sentiments are doing
battle for the people's rights and interests, should themselves be the
chief beneficiaries of success. Therefore, O children of the earthquake
and the storm, let us stand shoulder to shoulder, heart to heart, and
pocket to pocket!"
This speech so pleased the other Members of the convention that,
actuated by a magnanimous impulse, they sprang to their feet and left
the hall. It was the first time they had ever been known to leave
anything having value.

The Holy Deacon

AN Itinerant Preacher who had wrought hard in the moral vineyard for
several hours whispered to a Holy Deacon of the local church:
"Brother, these people know you, and your active support will bear
fruit abundantly. Please pass the plate for me, and you shall have one
fourth."

The Holy Deacon did so, and putting the money into his pocket waited
till the congregation was dismissed and said goodnight.
"But the money, brother, the money that you collected!" said the
Itinerant Preacher.
"Nothing is coming to you," was the reply; "the Adversary has
hardened their hearts, and one fourth is all they gave."

A Hasty Settlement

"YOUR Honour," said an Attorney, rising, "what is the present status
of this case - as far as it has gone?"
"I have given a judgment for the residuary legatee under the will," said
the Court, "put the costs upon the contestants, decided all questions
relating to fees and other charges; and, in short, the estate in litigation
has been settled, with all controversies, disputes, misunderstandings,
and differences of opinion thereunto appertaining."
"Ah, yes, I see," said the Attorney, thoughtfully, "we are making
progress - we are getting on famously."
"Progress?" echoed the Judge - "progress? Why, sir, the matter is
concluded!"
"Exactly, exactly; it had to be concluded in order to give relevancy to
the motion that I am about to make. Your Honour, I move that the
judgment of the Court be set aside and the case reopened."
"Upon what ground, sir?" the Judge asked in surprise.
"Upon the ground," said the Attorney, "that after paying all fees and
expenses of litigation and all charges against the estate there will still
be something left."

"There may have been an error," said His Honour, thoughtfully - "the
Court may have underestimated the value of the estate. The motion is
taken under advisement."

The Wooden Guns

AN Artillery Regiment of a State Militia applied to the Governor for
wooden guns to practise with.
"Those," they explained, "will be cheaper than real ones."
"It shall not be said that I sacrificed efficiency to economy," said the
Governor. "You shall have real guns."
"Thank you, thank you," cried the warriors, effusively. "We will take
good care of them, and in the event of war return them to the arsenal."

The Reform School Board

THE members of the School Board in Doosnoswair being suspected of
appointing female teachers for an improper consideration, the people
elected a Board composed wholly of women. In a few years the scandal
was at an end; there were no female teachers in the Department.

The Poet's Doom

AN Object was walking along the King's highway wrapped in
meditation and with little else on, when he suddenly found himself at
the gates of a strange city. On applying for admittance, he was arrested
as a necessitator of ordinances, and taken before the King.

"Who are you," said the King, "and what is your business in life?"
"Snouter the Sneak," replied the Object, with ready invention;
"pick-pocket."
The King was about to command him to be released when the Prime
Minister suggested that the prisoner's fingers be examined. They were
found greatly flattened and calloused at the ends.
"Ha!" cried the King; "I told you so! - he is addicted to counting
syllables. This is a poet. Turn him over to the Lord High Dissuader
from the Head Habit."
"My liege," said the Inventor-in-Ordinary of Ingenious Penalties, "I
venture to suggest a keener affliction.
"Name it," the King said.
"Let him retain that head!"
It was so ordered.

The Noser and the Note

THE Head Rifler of an insolvent bank, learning that it was about to be
visited by the official Noser into Things, placed his own personal note
for a large amount among its resources, and, gaily touching