Fantastic Fables | Page 7

the expression of the face is decidedly Tuscan, and
therefore false to nature. By the way, have you read my work on 'The
Fallaciousness of the Aspectual in Art'?"

The Foolish Woman

A MARRIED Woman, whose lover was about to reform by running
away, procured a pistol and shot him dead.
"Why did you do that, Madam?" inquired a Policeman, sauntering by.
"Because," replied the Married Woman, "he was a wicked man, and
had purchased a ticket to Chicago."
"My sister," said an adjacent Man of God, solemnly, "you cannot stop
the wicked from going to Chicago by killing them."

Father and Son

"MY boy," said an aged Father to his fiery and disobedient Son, "a hot
temper is the soil of remorse. Promise me that when next you are angry
you will count one hundred before you move or speak."
No sooner had the Son promised than he received a stinging blow from
the paternal walking-stick, and by the time he had counted to
seventy-five had the unhappiness to see the old man jump into a
waiting cab and whirl away.

The Discontented Malefactor

A JUDGE having sentenced a Malefactor to the penitentiary was
proceeding to point out to him the disadvantages of crime and the profit
of reformation.
"Your Honour," said the Malefactor, interrupting, "would you be kind
enough to alter my punishment to ten years in the penitentiary and
nothing else?"
"Why," said the Judge, surprised, "I have given you only three years!"

"Yes, I know," assented the Malefactor - "three years' imprisonment
and the preaching. If you please, I should like to commute the
preaching."

A Call to Quit

SEEING that his audiences were becoming smaller every Sunday, a
Minister of the Gospel broke off in the midst of a sermon, descended
the pulpit stairs, and walked on his hands down the central aisle of the
church. He then remounted his feet, ascended to the pulpit, and
resumed his discourse, making no allusion to the incident.
"Now," said he to himself, as he went home, "I shall have, henceforth, a
large attendance and no snoring."
But on the following Friday he was waited upon by the Pillars of the
Church, who informed him that in order to be in harmony with the New
Theology and get full advantage of modern methods of Gospel
interpretation they had deemed it advisable to make a change. They had
therefore sent a call to Brother Jowjeetum-Fallal, the World- Renowned
Hindoo Human Pin-Wheel, then holding forth in Hoopitup's circus.
They were happy to say that the reverend gentleman had been moved
by the Spirit to accept the call, and on the ensuing Sabbath would break
the bread of life for the brethren or break his neck in the attempt.

The Man and the Lightning

A MAN Running for Office was overtaken by Lightning.
"You see," said the Lightning, as it crept past him inch by inch, "I can
travel considerably faster than you."
"Yes," the Man Running for Office replied, "but think how much

longer I keep going!"

The Lassoed Bear

A HUNTER who had lassoed a Bear was trying to disengage himself
from the rope, but the slip-knot about his wrist would not yield, for the
Bear was all the time pulling in the slack with his paws. In the midst of
his trouble the Hunter saw a Showman passing by, and managed to
attract his attention.
"What will you give me," he said, "for my Bear?"
"It will be some five or ten minutes," said the Showman, "before I shall
want a fresh Bear, and it looks to me as if prices would fall during that
time. I think I'll wait and watch the market."
"The price of this animal," the Hunter replied, "is down to bed- rock;
you can have him for nothing a pound, spot cash, and I'll throw in the
next one that I lasso. But the purchaser must remove the goods from the
premises forthwith, to make room for three man- eating tigers, a
cat-headed gorilla, and an armful of rattlesnakes."
But the Showman passed on, in maiden meditation, fancy free, and
being joined soon afterward by the Bear, who was absently picking his
teeth, it was inferred that they were not unacquainted.

The Ineffective Rooter

A DRUNKEN Man was lying in the road with a bleeding nose, upon
which he had fallen, when a Pig passed that way.
"You wallow fairly well," said the Pig, "but, my fine fellow, you have
much to learn about rooting."

A Protagonist of Silver

SOME Financiers who were whetting their tongues on their teeth
because the Government had "struck down" silver, and were about to
"inaugurate" a season of sweatshed, were addressed as follows by a
Member of