Fantastic Fables | Page 5

Ingenious Patriot, pulling another paper from
another pocket, "are the working plans of a gun that I have invented,
which will pierce that armour. Your Majesty's Royal Brother, the
Emperor of Bang, is anxious to purchase it, but loyalty to your
Majesty's throne and person constrains me to offer it first to your
Majesty. The price is one million tumtums."
Having received the promise of another check, he thrust his hand into
still another pocket, remarking:
"The price of the irresistible gun would have been much greater, your
Majesty, but for the fact that its missiles can be so effectively averted
by my peculiar method of treating the armour plates with a new- "
The King signed to the Great Head Factotum to approach.
"Search this man," he said, "and report how many pockets he has."
"Forty-three, Sire," said the Great Head Factotum, completing the
scrutiny.
"May it please your Majesty," cried the Ingenious Patriot, in terror,
"one of them contains tobacco."
"Hold him up by the ankles and shake him," said the King; "then give
him a check for forty-two million tumtums and put him to death. Let a
decree issue declaring ingenuity a capital offence."

Two Kings

THE King of Madagao, being engaged in a dispute with the King of
Bornegascar, wrote him as follows:
"Before proceeding further in this matter I demand the recall of your
Minister from my capital."
Greatly enraged by this impossible demand, the King of Bornegascar
replied:
"I shall not recall my Minister. Moreover, if you do not immediately
retract your demand I shall withdraw him!"
This threat so terrified the King of Madagao that in hastening to
comply he fell over his own feet, breaking the Third Commandment.

An Officer and a Thug

A CHIEF of Police who had seen an Officer beating a Thug was very
indignant, and said he must not do so any more on pain of dismissal.
"Don't be too hard on me," said the Officer, smiling; "I was beating him
with a stuffed club."
"Nevertheless," persisted the Chief of Police, "it was a liberty that must
have been very disagreeable, though it may not have hurt. Please do not
repeat it."
"But," said the Officer, still smiling, "it was a stuffed Thug."
In attempting to express his gratification, the Chief of Police thrust out
his right hand with such violence that his skin was ruptured at the
arm-pit and a stream of sawdust poured from the wound. He was a
stuffed Chief of Police.

The Conscientious Official

WHILE a Division Superintendent of a railway was attending closely
to his business of placing obstructions on the track and tampering with
the switches he received word that the President of the road was about
to discharge him for incompetency.
"Good Heavens!" he cried; "there are more accidents on my division
than on all the rest of the line."
"The President is very particular," said the Man who brought him the
news; "he thinks the same loss of life might be effected with less
damage to the company's property."
"Does he expect me to shoot passengers through the car windows?"
exclaimed the indignant official, spiking a loose tie across the rails.
"Does he take me for an assassin?"

How Leisure Came

A MAN to Whom Time Was Money, and who was bolting his
breakfast in order to catch a train, had leaned his newspaper against the
sugar- bowl and was reading as he ate. In his haste and abstraction he
stuck a pickle-fork into his right eye, and on removing the fork the eye
came with it. In buying spectacles the needless outlay for the right lens
soon reduced him to poverty, and the Man to Whom Time Was Money
had to sustain life by fishing from the end of a wharf.

The Moral Sentiment

A PUGILIST met the Moral Sentiment of the Community, who was
carrying a hat-box. "What have you in the hat-box, my friend?"
inquired the Pugilist.
"A new frown," was the answer. "I am bringing it from the frownery -
the one over there with the gilded steeple."
"And what are you going to do with the nice new frown?" the Pugilist
asked.
"Put down pugilism - if I have to wear it night and day," said the Moral
Sentiment of the Community, sternly.
"That's right," said the Pugilist, "that is right, my good friend; if
pugilism had been put down yesterday, I wouldn't have this kind of
Nose to-day. I had a rattling hot fight last evening with - "
"Is that so?" cried the Moral Sentiment of the Community, with sudden
animation. "Which licked? Sit down here on the hat-box and tell me all
about it!"

The Politicians

AN Old Politician and a Young Politician were travelling through