Fannys First Play | Page 4

valet who
hoodwinks the father and brings about the happiness of the lovers a
grotesque but perfectly tasteful Punchinello or Mascarille or Sganarelle.
SAVOYARD. I see. That makes three men; and the clown and
policeman will make five. Thats why you wanted five men in the
company.
THE COUNT. My dear sir, you dont suppose I mean that vulgar, ugly,
silly, senseless, malicious and destructive thing, the harlequinade of a
nineteenth century English Christmas pantomime! What was it after all
but a stupid attempt to imitate the success made by the genius of
Grimaldi a hundred years ago? My daughter does not know of the
existence of such a thing. I refer to the graceful and charming fantasies
of the Italian and French stages of the seventeenth and eighteenth
centuries.
SAVOYARD. Oh, I beg pardon. I quite agree that harlequinades are rot.
Theyve been dropped at all smart theatres. But from what Billy
Burjoyce told me I got the idea that your daughter knew her way about
here, and had seen a lot of plays. He had no idea she'd been away in
Venice all the time.
THE COUNT. Oh, she has not been. I should have explained that two
years ago my daughter left me to complete her education at Cambridge.
Cambridge was my own University; and though of course there were
no women there in my time, I felt confident that if the atmosphere of
the eighteenth century still existed anywhere in England, it would be at
Cambridge. About three months ago she wrote to me and asked

whether I wished to give her a present on her next birthday. Of course I
said yes; and she then astonished and delighted me by telling me that
she had written a play, and that the present she wanted was a private
performance of it with real actors and real critics.
SAVOYARD. Yes: thats what staggered me. It was easy enough to
engage a company for a private performance: it's done often enough.
But the notion of having critics was new. I hardly knew how to set
about it. They dont expect private engagements; and so they have no
agents. Besides, I didnt know what to offer them. I knew that they were
cheaper than actors, because they get long engagements: forty years
sometimes; but thats no rule for a single job. Then theres such a lot of
them: on first nights they run away with all your stalls: you cant find a
decent place for your own mother. It would have cost a fortune to bring
the lot.
THE COUNT. Of course I never dreamt of having them all. Only a few
first-rate representative men.
SAVOYARD. Just so. All you want is a few sample opinions. Out of a
hundred notices you wont find more than four at the outside that say
anything different. Well, Ive got just the right four for you. And what
do you think it has cost me?
THE COUNT. [shrugging his shoulders] I cannot guess.
SAVOYARD. Ten guineas, and expenses. I had to give Flawner
Bannal ten. He wouldnt come for less; and he asked fifty. I had to give
it, because if we hadnt had him we might just as well have had nobody
at all.
THE COUNT. But what about the others, if Mr Flannel--
SAVOYARD. [shocked] Flawner Bannal.
THE COUNT. --if Mr Bannal got the whole ten?
SAVOYARD. Oh, I managed that. As this is a high-class sort of thing,

the first man I went for was Trotter.
THE COUNT. Oh indeed. I am very glad you have secured Mr Trotter.
I have read his Playful Impressions.
SAVOYARD. Well, I was rather in a funk about him. Hes not exactly
what I call approachable; and he was a bit stand-off at first. But when I
explained and told him your daughter--
THE COUNT. [interrupting in alarm] You did not say that the play was
by her, I hope?
SAVOYARD. No: thats been kept a dead secret. I just said your
daughter has asked for a real play with a real author and a real critic
and all the rest of it. The moment I mentioned the daughter I had him.
He has a daughter of his own. Wouldnt hear of payment! Offered to
come just to please her! Quite human. I was surprised.
THE COUNT. Extremely kind of him.
SAVOYARD. Then I went to Vaughan, because he does music as well
as the drama: and you said you thought there would be music. I told
him Trotter would feel lonely without him; so he promised like a bird.
Then I thought youd like one of the latest sort: the chaps that go for the
newest things and swear theyre oldfashioned. So I nailed Gilbert Gunn.
The four will give you a representative team.