Essays on the Stage | Page 4

and humbly desire that they will not appear
Interested against me, because I defend myself against one that has
abus'd me, and has the honour to wear one, (to what purpose the
Judgment and Clemency of our Government knows best) I assure 'em
my design is only to turn, like the Worm that is trod upon, complain
being hurt, vindicate my self from abusive malice, and at the same time
am heartily sorry that ever I had the occasion.
'Tis a pleasure to me however to know that I have for many years, as
well as now, the honour of the Conversation of several eminent men of
the Church; and I dare say, upon occasion, I could easily gain their

good words to prove my good behaviour. I do declare I never abus'd the
sacred order in my life, but have always had, and still have, all the
veneration for 'em that's possible; nor have any of my printed Writings
contradicted this, unless when spoken in the person of Atheists,
Libertines, and Ignorants, where 'tis natural in Comedy; nay, in my
Book of Poems you will find a Satyr against Atheists, and in another
Book, call'd _Colin's walk thro' London and Westminster_, a Moral
through the whole, and design'd in the honour of the Church of
England, to shew the stubbornness of Romanists, Grumblers, and other
dissenting Sects; but this my partial Antagonist never read, nor heard of;
nay, tho by his Book we may suppose he has read a thousand, yet
amongst twenty of my Comedies Acted and Printed, he never heard of
the Royalist, the Boarding School, the _Marriage Hater Match'd_, the
Richmond Heiress, the Virtuous Wife, and others, all whose whole Plots
and designs I dare affirm, tend to that principal instance, which he
proposes, and which we allow, _viz._ the depression of Vice and
encouragement of Virtue. Not he, he has not had leisure since his last
holding forth in the late Reign, to do me this Justice, 'tis enough for him
that he has encounter'd Don Quixot. [Footnote: Collier, p.] And truly, I
must own, was a most proper Combatant for him; for if he had not been
mad with the Wind-mill that was in his pate, or had ever perus'd that
Giant of an Author, upon whom I am the Pigmy, as he wittily observes,
he would have found the Bockheaded Chaplain had been greazing his
old Gassock there long before I new rigg'd him: But that's all one, I,
poor I, must be denounc'd as Criminal; I brought him upon the Stage, I
wash'd his Face, put on a new Crape Vest, and a clean Band, which, oh,
fatal accident, made him look so like somebody, that I, in his opinion,
and condemn'd by his infallibility, have been no body ever since, _vox
& præterea nihil_. Well, however this is determin'd, let me beg of my
impartial Readers, to give me leave to try what I can be, I have had
good fortune I am told by others in Lyrical Verse, which I am sure is
one principal part of Poetry, I'll see now if I can match my Antagonist
in Rallying Prose. Several ingenious Authors have already, I think, so
well confuted his Assertions against the Stage, by proofs from the
Antient Poets, the Primitive Fathers, and their Authorities, that they
have far excell'd what I can pretend to do there; only, I could have
wish'd one who is best able, and whose admirable Genius and Skill in

Poetry would have been remarkably serviceable, had drawn his Pen to
defend the Rights of the Stage, tho he had own'd the loosenesses of it,
and had ventured the being presented for it; but since we, the forlorn,
are not so happy to have that Aid, let my Antagonist, the Reformer,
who, for all the gravity in some part of his Book, and the solid Piety he
would insinuate in his Arguments, I perceive to be a Joker, and as full
of Puns, Conundrums, Quibbles, Longinquipetites, and Tipiti-witchets,
as the rest of us mortals, be pleas'd to take the length of my Weapon at
that sport, for now I cannot help telling my Audience, which is the
Town, that he has laid his reforming Cudgel upon me so severely, and
it smarts so damnably, that I can't forbear smiting again if I were to be
hang'd, desiring only, as the usual method is, a clear Stage, and from
him no favour.
To begin then, I shall illustrate my first Scene with a comical hint upon
some part of his Character; and that the Jest may be worthy of making
you laugh, you are to know, that the first view I ever had of this
extraordinary Person, was neither better nor worse than under the
Gallows. Well,