Entire Gutenberg Twain Texts | Page 3

ASCOT GOLD CUP THE SAVAGE
CLUB DINNER GENERAL MILES AND THE DOG WHEN IN DOUBT, TELL THE
TRUTH THE DAY WE CELEBRATE INDEPENDENCE DAY AMERICANS AND
THE ENGLISH ABOUT LONDON PRINCETON THE ST. LOUIS HARBOR-BOAT
"MARK TWAIN" SEVENTIETH BIRTHDAY MARK TWAIN'S LETTERS 1853-1910
ARRANGED WITH COMMENT BY ALBERT BIGELOW PAINE A BOY'S LIFE OF
MARK TWAIN, BY ALBERT BIGELOW PAINE MARK TWAIN, A BIOGRAPHY,
BY ALBERT BIGELOW PAINE

THE COMPLETE PROJECT GUTENBERG MARK TWAIN

THE INNOCENTS ABROAD
by Mark Twain
[From an 1869--1st Edition]

CONTENTS

CHAPTER I.
Popular Talk of the Excursion--Programme of the Trip--Duly Ticketed for the
Excursion--Defection of the Celebrities

CHAPTER II.

Grand Preparations--An Imposing Dignitary--The European Exodus-- Mr. Blucher's
Opinion--Stateroom No. 10--The Assembling of the Clans-- At Sea at Last

CHAPTER III.
"Averaging" the Passengers--Far, far at Sea.--Tribulation among the Patriarchs--Seeking
Amusement under Difficulties--Five Captains in the Ship

CHAPTER IV.
The Pilgrims Becoming Domesticated--Pilgrim Life at Sea--"Horse- Billiards"--The
"Synagogue"--The Writing School--Jack's "Journal"-- The "Q. C. Club"--The Magic
Lantern--State Ball on Deck--Mock Trials-- Charades--Pilgrim Solemnity--Slow
Music--The Executive Officer Delivers an Opinion

CHAPTER V.
Summer in Mid-Atlantic--An Eccentric Moon--Mr. Blucher Loses Confidence --The
Mystery of "Ship Time"--The Denizens of the Deep--"Land Hoh"-- The First Landing on
a Foreign Shore--Sensation among the Natives-- Something about the Azores
Islands--Blucher's Disastrous Dinner-- The Happy Result

CHAPTER VI.
Solid Information--A Fossil Community--Curious Ways and Customs--Jesuit
Humbuggery--Fantastic Pilgrimizing--Origin of the Russ Pavement-- Squaring Accounts
with the Fossils--At Sea Again

CHAPTER VII.
A Tempest at Night--Spain and Africa on Exhibition--Greeting a Majestic Stranger--The
Pillars of Hercules--The Rock of Gibraltar--Tiresome Repetition--"The Queen's
Chair"--Serenity Conquered--Curiosities of the Secret Caverns--Personnel of
Gibraltar--Some Odd Characters--A Private Frolic in Africa--Bearding a Moorish
Garrison (without loss of life)--Vanity Rebuked--Disembarking in the Empire of
Morocco

CHAPTER VIII.
The Ancient City of Tangier, Morocco--Strange Sights--A Cradle of Antiquity--We
become Wealthy--How they Rob the Mail in Africa--The Danger of being Opulent in
Morocco

CHAPTER IX.
A Pilgrim--in Deadly Peril--How they Mended the Clock--Moorish Punishments for
Crime--Marriage Customs--Looking Several ways for Sunday --Shrewd, Practice of
Mohammedan Pilgrims--Reverence for Cats--Bliss of being a Consul-General

CHAPTER X.
Fourth of July at Sea--Mediterranean Sunset--The "Oracle" is Delivered of an
Opinion--Celebration Ceremonies--The Captain's Speech--France in Sight--The Ignorant
Native--In Marseilles--Another Blunder--Lost in the Great City--Found Again--A
Frenchy Scene

CHAPTER XI.
Getting used to it--No Soap--Bill of Fare, Table d'hote--"An American Sir"--A Curious
Discovery--The "Pilgrim" Bird--Strange Companionship-- A Grave of the Living--A
Long Captivity--Some of Dumas' Heroes--Dungeon of the Famous "Iron Mask."
CHAPTXR XII. A Holiday Flight through France--Summer Garb of the
Landscape--Abroad on the Great Plains--Peculiarities of French Cars--French Politeness
American Railway Officials--"Twenty Mnutes to Dinner!"--Why there are no
Accidents--The "Old Travellers"--Still on the Wing--Paris at Last----French Order and
Quiet--Place of the Bastile--Seeing the Sights-- A Barbarous Atrocity--Absurd Billiards

CHAPTER XIII.
More Trouble--Monsieur Billfinger--Re-Christening the Frenchman--In the Clutches of a
Paris Guide--The International Exposition--Fine Military Review--Glimpse of the
Emperor Napoleon and the Sultan of Turkey

CHAPTER XIV.
The Venerable Cathedral of Notre-Dame--Jean Sanspeur's Addition-- Treasures and
Sacred Relics--The Legend of the Cross--The Morgue--The Outrageious
'Can-Can'--Blondin Aflame--The Louvre Palace--The Great Park --Showy
Pageantry--Preservation of Noted Things

CHAPTER XV.
French National Burying--Ground--Among the Great Dead--The Shrine of Disappointed
Love--The Story of Abelard and Heloise--"English Spoken Here"--"American Drinks
Compounded Here"--Imperial Honors to an American--The Over-estimated
Grisette--Departure from Paris--A Deliberate Opinion Concerning the Comeliness of
American Women

CHAPTER XVI.
Versailles--Paradise Regained--A Wonderful Park--Paradise Lost-- Napoleonic Strategy

CHAPTER XVII.
War--The American Forces Victorious--" Home Again"--Italy in Sight The "City of
Palaces"--Beauty of the Genoese Women--The "Stub-Hunters"-- Among the
Palaces--Gifted Guide--Church Magnificence--"Women not Admitted"--How the
Genoese Live--Massive Architecture--A Scrap of Ancient History--Graves for 60,000

CHAPTER XVIII.
Flying Through Italy--Marengo--First Glimpse of the Famous Cathedral-- Description of
some of its Wonders--A Horror Carved in Stone----An Unpleasant Adventure--A Good
Man--A Sermon from the Tomb--Tons of Gold and Silver--Some More Holy
Relics--Solomon's Temple

CHAPTER XIX

"Do You Wiz zo Haut can be?"--La Scala--Petrarch and Laura--Lucrezia
Borgia--Ingenious Frescoes--Ancient Roman Amphitheatre--A Clever
Delusion--Distressing Billiards--The Chief Charm of European Life--An Italian
Bath--Wanted: Soap--Crippled French--Mutilated English--The Most Celebrated Painting
in the World--Amateur Raptures--Uninspired Critics-- Anecdote--A Wonderful Echo--A
Kiss for a Franc

CHAPTER XX
Rural Italy by Rail--Fumigated, According to Law--The Sorrowing Englishman--Night
by the Lake of Como--The Famous Lake--Its Scenery-- Como compared with
Tahoe--Meeting a Shipmate

CHAPTER XXI.
The Pretty Lago di Lecco--A Carriage Drive in the Country--Astonishing Sociability in a
Coachman--Sleepy Land--Bloody Shrines--The Heart and Home of Priestcraft--A
Thrilling Mediaeval Romance--The Birthplace of Harlequin--Approaching Venice

CHAPTER XXII.
Night in Venice--The "Gay Gondolier"--The Grand Fete by Moonlight-- The Notable
Sights of Venice--The Mother of the Republics Desolate
CHANTER XXIII. The Famous Gondola--The Gondola in an Unromantic Aspect--The
Great Square of St. Mark and the Winged Lion--Snobs, at Home and Abroad--Sepulchres
of the Great Dead--A Tilt at the "Old Masters"--A Contraband Guide-- The
Conspiracy--Moving Again