Dr. Lewis B. Turndevelts Big Book of Forewords | Page 4

convenience store that I will be making before I leave
on vacation.
But regardless of how much you insist on prying into my personal life,
I still wanted to extend the courtesy of letting you know that I will soon
be quite out of pocket. So much so that I am leaving behind this
collection of book forewords, to be used in the event that one is needed
and I am not around to hand-deliver it personally. They range in topic
from niche cookbooks to pseudo-scientific journals. And somewhere in
the middle of all that, you will find me, offering up support and adding

my name as credibility to these otherwise doomed ventures. Not to say
that they're all bad ideas, necessarily. In fact, a couple of them might
make more than adequate reading while stuck in a traffic standstill on
the expressway - the irony of which should not be lost on anyone.
But in the event of my untimely demise while traipsing through the
jungles of the Amazon, or hiking up the treacherous peaks of Everest,
or whatever it is that I'll be doing, I bequeath to the world my ultimate
labor of love: book forewords to anything that might possibly come
along. With some noteworthy exceptions, many of the books referenced
herein have not actually been written - and we should all start praying
right now that they never will be - but given the current literary climate,
it seems to be an inevitable fact that not only will these books indeed be
written, but they will subsequently be printed, distributed and marketed
to the literate peoples of the free world. And once again, I blame
democracy for allowing this to happen.
But I'm not here to point out the shortcomings of these works, or even
to giggle and snicker at the very idea of the books themselves. No, I
have a job to do, and that job is to simply write the forewords.
Someone has to do it, and I'm the best that there is, so it therefore
makes perfect sense that regardless of the quality of the main body of
text they would still require a consummate professional to come in and
wave a little magic over the beginning, in a desperate, last-ditch effort
to save the book from itself. But my job is definitely not to critique and
ridicule these worthless piles of wood pulp, so I will refrain. And I'll do
it honorably and with great reserves of dignity.
With that thought, my work here is done, and I am off to enjoy the
fruits of my labor. I plan on becoming tan, rested and pampered. And
the rest of you? What will you be doing? Well, I hope you are able to
kill a few minutes of time with this book, while you are either waiting
in the lobby of your family doctor to get that rash attended to, or
perhaps while you are tragically stuck between floors in an elevator
with a large, hairy man that considers patchouli a viable alternative to
bathing. Regardless of what you're doing, I wish you well. And I in turn
wish me the best of luck as I stretch out on the sunny beach of some

clear-watered tropical paradise with a tall, cold beverage that I might be
talked into enjoying; either that or hiking through the lush foliage on
the side of a misty mountain at daybreak, where the only sound to be
heard is that of my camera's shutter.
To every thing there is a season. And for every season there is a special
vacation getaway package with great low fares.
********************
About The Author Or "A Detailed Answer To All Your Questions"
I've always found it interesting that books will routinely include an
about the author section towards the very last page. So only after
having finished reading an entire manuscript would the owner of a
book want to know whom they've been listening to this whole time?
Odd. An author's background and pedigree should be of casual interest
to the fiction reader, and of tantamount importance to the non. And on
a purely self-indulgent note, I want you to know as much about me as
possible before we get going. I'm a fascinating and eccentric figure
with whimsically colorful stories to tell. And I enjoy soup.
However, book foreword authors occupy a rather unique position in the
greater world. For years I'm sure you've seen my name marqueed at the
bottom of book covers. It's not the first thing to grab your eye, but once
you've discovered its presence you are ushered into a state of calm,
bland serenity. And why not, because as far as book foreword authors
go, I suppose I'm as recognized as any. And while it's not the most