De Turkey and De Law | Page 8

got no husband atall. But Ah just can't sense her into it.
(Laughter)
HAMBO Now take Jim and Dave for instant. Here they is, old friends, done fell out and ready to fight--all over Daisy.
WALTER Thass me all over. I don't want no partnership when it comes to my women. Its whole hawg uh none. Lawd, what wimmen makes us do!
LINDSAY What is it dey don't make us do. Now take for instant Jim Weston. He know he can't hunt wid Dave--Dave is uh sworn marksman, but jes' so as not to be outdone here he go trying to shoot turkeys--wild turkeys mind you, 'ginst Dave.
JOE CLARKE I God, I hope he finds 'em too. If he get to killin turkeys maybe he'll stay way from my hen house. I God, I done lost nine uh my best layin' hens in three weeks.
(General Laughter)
WALTER Did Jim git em?
CLARKE I ain't personatin' nobody but I been told dat Jim's got uh powerful lot uh chicken feathers buried in his back yard. I know one thing if I ever ketch his toe-nails in my chicken yard, I God, he's gointer follow his pappy and his four brothers. He's got to git from dis town of mine.
(Enter a little girl right, very neat and starchy. She runs up to Rev. Sims.)
GIRL Papa, mama say send her dat witch hazely oil she sent you after right quick.
LINDSAY Whuss matter wid Sister Sims--poly today?
SIMS She don't keep so well since we been here, but I reckon she's on de mend.
HAMBO Don't look like she never would be sick. She look so big and portly.
CLARKE Size don't mean nothin'. My wife is portly and she be's on de sick list all de time. It's "Jody, pain in de belly all day. Jody, pain in de back all night.
LIGE Besides, Mrs. Simms ain't very large. She wouldn't weigh more'n two hundred. You ain't seen no big woman. I seen one so big she went to whip her lil boy an' he run up under her belly and stayed up under dere for six months.
(General laughter)
WALTER You seen de biggest ones. But I seen uh woman so little till she could go out in uh shower uh rain and run between de drops. She had tuh git up on uh box tuh look over uh grain uh sand.
SIMMS Y'all boys better read yo' Bibles 'stead of studyin foolishness. (He gets up and starts into the store. Clarke and the little girl follow him.) Reckon Ah better git dat medicine. (The three exit into store)
HAMBO Well, y'all done seen so much--be y'all ain't never seen uh snake big as de one Ah seen down round Kissimnee. He was so big he couldn't hardly move his self. He laid in one spot so long he growed moss on him and everybody thought he was uh log layin' there; till one day Ah set down on him and went to sleep. When Ah woke up ah wuz in Middle Georgy.
(General laughter. Two women enter left and go in store after everybody has spoken to them)
LINDSAY Layin' all sides to jokes now, y'all remember dat rattlesnake Ah kilt on Lake Hope was 'most big as dat one.
WALTER (Nudgin' Lige and winking at the crowd) How big did you say it was, Joe?
LINDSAY He mought not uh been quite as big as dat one--but jes' bout fourteen feet.
HAMBO Gimme dat lyin' snake! He wasn't but fo' foot long when you kilt him and here you done growed him ten feet after he's dead.
(Enter Simms followed by the girl with an all day sucker. Simms has a small package in his hand.
SIMMS
(Gives the package to the child and resumes his seat.)
Run 'long home now. Tell yo' ma to put on uh pot uh peas.
(Child exits right trotting and sucking her candy.)
WALTER They's some powerful big snakes round here. We was choppin' down de weeds in front of our parsonage yistiddy and kilt uh great big ol' cotton mouf moccasin.
SIMMS Yeah, look like me or some of my fambly 'bout to git snake-bit right at our own front do'.
LIGE An' bit by uh Baptist snake at dat.
LINDSAY How you make him out uh Baptist snake?
LIGE Nobody don't love water lak uh Baptist an' uh Moccasin.
(General laughter)
HAMBO An' nobody don't hate it lak de devil, uh rattlesnake an uh Meth'dis.
(General laughter. Enter Joe Clark from store. Stands in door)
SIMMS Dis town needs uh cleanin' in more ways than one. Now if this town was run right, when folks misbehaves, they oughter be locked up in jail and if they can't pay no fine, they oughter be made to work it out on de streets--chopping weeds.
LINDSAY How we gointer do all dat when we ain't got no jail?
SIMMS Well, you orta have uh jail. Y'all needs uh whole heap