Comic History of the United States | Page 4

many after-dinner speakers have since wished they had thought of
before Chris did.
In falsifying the log-book in order to make his sailors believe that they
had not sailed so far as they had, Columbus did a wrong act, unworthy
of his high notions regarding the pious discovery of this land. The artist
has shown here not only one of the most faithful portraits of Columbus
and his crooked log-book, but the punishment which he should have
received.
The man on the left is Columbus; History is concealed just around the
corner in a loose wrapper.
Spain at this time regarded the new land as a vast jewelry store in
charge of simple children of the forest who did not know the value of
their rich agricultural lands or gold-ribbed farms. Spain, therefore,

expected to exchange bone collar-buttons with the children of the forest
for opals as large as lima beans, and to trade fiery liquids to them for
large gold bricks.
The Montezumas were compelled every little while to pay a freight-bill
for the Spanish confidence man.
Ponce de Leon had started out in search of the Hot Springs of Arkansas,
and in 1512 came in sight of Florida. He was not successful in his
attempt to find the Fountain of Youth, and returned an old man so deaf
that in the language of the Hoosier poet referring to his grandfather,--
"So remarkably deaf was my grandfather Squeers That he had to wear
lightning-rods over his ears To even hear thunder, and oftentimes then
He was forced to request it to thunder again."
Balboa crossed the Isthmus of Darien, and, rolling up his pantalettes,
waded into the Pacific Ocean and discovered it in the name of Spain. It
was one of the largest and wettest discoveries ever made, and, though
this occurred over three centuries ago, Spain is still poor.
Balboa, in discovering the Pacific, did so according to the Spanish
custom of discovery, viz., by wading into it with his naked sword in
one hand and the banner of Castile, sometimes called Castile's hope
(see Appendix), in the other. He and his followers waded out so as to
discover all they could, and were surprised to discover what is now
called the undertow.
[Illustration: BALBOA DRYING HIS CLOTHES.]
The artist has shown the great discoverer most truthfully as he appeared
after he had discovered and filed on the ocean. No one can look upon
this picture for a moment and confuse Balboa, the discoverer of the
Pacific, with Kope Elias, who first discovered in the mountains of
North Carolina what is now known as moonshine whiskey.
De Narvaez in 1528 undertook to conquer Florida with three hundred
hands. He also pulled considerable grass in his search for gold. Finally

he got to the gulf and was wrecked. They were all related mostly to
Narvaez, and for two weeks they lived on their relatives, but later
struck shore--four of them--and lived more on a vegetable diet after that
till they struck the Pacific Ocean, which now belonged to Spain.
De Soto also undertook the conquest of Florida after this, and took six
hundred men with him for the purpose. They wandered through the
Gulf States to the Mississippi, enduring much, and often forced to
occupy the same room at night. De Soto in 1541 discovered the
Mississippi River, thus adding to the moisture collection of Spain.
After trying to mortgage his discovery to Eastern capitalists, he died,
and was buried in the quiet bosom of the Great Father of waters.
Thus once more the list of fatalities was added to and the hunger for
gold was made to contribute a discovery.
Menendez later on founded in 1565 the colony of St. Augustine, the
oldest town in the United States. There are other towns that look older,
but it is on account of dissipation. New York looks older, but it is
because she always sat up later of nights than St. Augustine did.
Cortez was one of the coarsest men who visited this country. He did not
marry any wealthy American girls, for there were none, but he did
everything else that was wrong, and his unpaid laundry-bills are still
found all over the Spanish-speaking countries. He was especially
lawless and cruel to the Peruvians: "recognizing the Peruvian at once
by his bark," he would treat him with great indignity, instead of using
other things which he had with him. Cortez had a way of capturing the
most popular man in a city, and then he would call on the tax-payers to
redeem him on the instalment plan. Most everybody hated Cortez, and
when he held religious services the neighbors did not attend. The
religious efforts made by Cortez were not successful. He killed a great
many people, but converted but few.