Colonel Crocketts Co-operative Christmas | Page 6

page of every journal, with my picture in most of
them. It seems I had held at bay two hundred angry Italians who were
trying to mob a Chinese laundryman. The evening papers said that I
had stopped a runaway coach-and-four on Fifth Avenue, that morning,
by lassoing the leader. On the coach were Mrs. Aster, Mrs. Fitch,
Reggie Vanderbuilt, George Goold, Harry Leer and a passel of other
"Among those presents." That night I went to a music-hall--according
to the next morning's papers--and broke up the show by throwing a
pocketful of solitaires to the chorus girls. The next day three burglars
got into my room; I held them up in a corner, took away their masks,
spanked them, and gave them each a hundred-dollar bill to help them to
avoid temptation. That afternoon the three big life-insurance companies
asked me to be president. And so on--you can read for yourself in the
clippings--only for Heaven's sake don't believe any of it. In every
article was a neat allusion to my Christmas party.
I wanted to kill James J. James, and I scoured the town for him, but he
dodged me. He kept his word, though. For the last few days I've been
the most talked-of man in town. Looks like I'd been the Only man in
New York.
And now to tell about my little party. For two days a regiment of men
was working in the Garden under my direction--and at my expense. It
was like paying the war appropriation of Russia. But it was worth it.
At six o'clock Christmas night the crowd began to line up at the Garden
doors. At 6:30 a platoon of police arrived. At 6:40 the line reached
twice around the Garden. At 6:45 they sent for more police. At 7:15
every street was solid with people. They called out the police reserves
and clubbed about four hundred innocent bystanders insensible. At 7:45
the fire department was called and played the hose on the crowd.
This thinned 'em off a bit on the outsquirts. Then the ambulances give
out and the fainting women was carried home in express wagons and

wheelbarrows. The subway was the only line that could run cars.
At 8:30 the doors opened. You should of seen the rush. The Galveston
flood wasn't in it. At 8:45 the Garden was so full they closed the doors.
That sent some of the outside crowd home.
The Garden was a beautiful sight. On the tower outside, in big electric
letters, there was a sign, "Merry Christmas to you and yours."
Inside it was decorated with holly leaves and berries--tons and tons of it.
At one end was built a big house with a chimbly and an old-fashioned
fireplace. The roof of the house was covered with snow (cotton), and
the sky back of it was full of electric stars that twinkled something
beautiful. And there was a moon that looked like the real thing.
There was four bands in the balconies and a chorus of angels with real
wings and electric halos. They sang "Peace on Earth, Good Will to
Men," written for the occasion by Mr. De Koven.
By and by all the bands bust out gorgeous, and then Santy Claus
appeared in a sleigh drawed by six real live stuffed reindeers. He run
along the sky on unseen grooves and drove up to the roof of the house,
and slid down the chimbly with a pack of presents. He filled all the
stockings with candy cornycopies and toys, and a lot of attendants
passed 'em out to the childern. You should of heard them squeal with
joy--poor little tots, living in hotels and apartment places where Santy
Claus would of had to come up the steam radiator or the gas-log pipe to
get in. Well, my Santy Claus had to make sixteen trips to satisfy the
childern.
The Garden was divided into sections, one for every State and Territory,
with its own shield in electric lights and colors. There was a native of
every State in charge, and every State had its own big Christmas tree,
and reception-room and refreshments. Some of the people I noticed
seemed to of been born in several States at once, the way they passed
from one booth to another fillin' up their pockets and stummicks. I
reckon they paid for it the next day in doctors' bills.

But there was nary a sign of rowdyism. That dollar admission was a
regular sieve for straining out the toughs. Then there were policemen
everywhere, and every other man nearly was a plain-clothes man or a
detective. Besides, after sober consideration, and on advice from the
Gardeners, I cut out all drinks, except soft stuff. So there were no jags,
except what some people brought with them