Bill Nyes Comic History of England | Page 4

had their clothes made in Rome,
and some even had their linen returned every thirty days and washed in the Tiber.
[Illustration: IRRITABILITY OF THE BARBARIAN.]
In 446 A.D., the Britons were extremely unhappy. "The barbarians throw us into the sea
and the sea returns us to the barbarians," they ejaculated in their petition to the
conquering Romans. But the latter were too busy fighting the Huns to send troops, and in
desperation the Britons formed an alliance with Hengist and Horsa, two Saxon travelling
men who, in 449 A.D., landed on the island of Thanet, and thus ended the Roman
dominion over Britain.
[Illustration: LANDING OF HENGIST AND HORSA.]
The Saxons were at that time a coarse people. They did not allow etiquette to interfere

with their methods of taking refreshment, and, though it pains the historian at all times to
speak unkindly of his ancestors who have now passed on to their reward, he is compelled
to admit that as a people the Saxons may be truly characterized as a great National
Appetite.
During the palmy days when Rome superintended the collecting of customs and regulated
the formation of corporations, the mining and smelting of iron were extensively carried
on and the "walking delegate" was invented. The accompanying illustration shows an
ancient strike.
[Illustration: DISCOMFORTS OF THE EARLY LABOR AGITATOR.]
Rome no doubt did much for England, for at that time the Imperial City had 384 streets,
56,567 palaces, 80 golden statues, 2785 bronze statues of former emperors and officers,
41 theatres, 2291 prisons, and 2300 perfumery stores. She was in the full flood of her
prosperity, and had about 4,000,000 inhabitants.
In those days a Roman Senator could not live on less than $80,000 per year, and Marcus
Antonius, who owed $1,500,000 on his inaugural, March 15, paid it up March 17, and
afterwards cleared $720,000,000. This he did by the strictest economy, which he
managed to have attended to by the peasantry.
Even a literary man in Rome could amass property, and Seneca died worth $12,000,000.
Those were the flush times in Rome, and England no doubt was greatly benefited thereby;
but, alas! "money matters became scarce," and the poor Briton was forced to associate
with the delirium tremens and massive digestion of the Saxon, who floated in a vast
ocean of lard and wassail during his waking hours and slept with the cunning little piglets
at night. His earthen floors were carpeted with straw and frescoed with bones.
Let us not swell with pride as we refer to our ancestors, whose lives were marked by an
eternal combat between malignant alcoholism and trichinosis. Many a Saxon would have
filled a drunkard's grave, but wabbled so in his gait that he walked past it and missed it.
[Illustration: THE SAXON IDEA OF HEAVEN.]
To drink from the skulls of their dead enemies was a part of their religion, and there were
no heretics among them.[A]
[Footnote A: The artist has very ably shown here a devoted little band of Saxons holding
services in a basement. In referring to it as "abasement," not the slightest idea of casting
contumely or obloquy on our ancestors is intended by the humble writer of pungent but
sometimes unpalatable truth.]
Christianity was introduced into Britain during the second century, and later under
Diocletian the Christians were greatly persecuted. Christianity did not come from Rome,
it is said, but from Gaul. Among the martyrs in those early days was St. Alban, who had
been converted by a fugitive priest. The story of his life and death is familiar.

The Bible had been translated, and in 314 A.D. Britain had three Bishops, viz., of London,
Lincoln, and York.

CHAPTER III.
THE ADVENT OF THE ANGLES: CAUSES WHICH LED TO THE
REHABILITATION OF BRITAIN ON NEW LINES.
With the landing of Hengist and Horsa English history really begins, for Caesar's capture
of the British Isles was of slight importance viewed in the light of fast-receding centuries.
There is little to-day in the English character to remind one of Caesar, who was a volatile
and epileptic emperor with massive and complicated features.
The rich warm blood of the Roman does not mantle in the cheek of the Englishman of the
present century to any marked degree. The Englishman, aping the reserve and hauteur of
Boston, Massachusetts, is, in fact, the diametrical antipode of the impulsive,
warm-hearted, and garlic-imbued Roman who revels in assassination and gold ear-bobs.
The beautiful daughter of Hengist formed an alliance with Vortigern, the royal foreman
of Great Britain,--a plain man who was very popular in the alcoholic set and generally
subject to violent lucid intervals which lasted until after breakfast; but the Saxons broke
these up, it is said, and Rowena encouraged him in his efforts to become his own worst
enemy,