Basomas | Page 5

you cheekyfr�ulein!

sunday september 18th

9:00 a.m.

Why? Oh why oh why?

9:02 a.m.

Why me?

9:03 a.m.

And I�ll just say this. Why?

9:04 a.m.

One minute, I am the girlfriend of a Luuurve God, skipping around like a Sex Kitty on kittykat tablets and the next minute I am at Poo College, in Pooford. Doing a degree in poonosity andmerde.

9:10 a.m.

Masimo, my Pizza-a-gogo Luuurve God, stropped off with the megahump last night. Not even stopping to say good-bye-io, or whatever they say in Pizza-a-gogo land. I may never know now.

9:12 a.m.

Why? Why oh why oh why?

9:13 a.m.

Just because I did a bit of harmless twisting with Dave the Laugh at the Stiff Dylans� gig.

That�s all.

9:15 a.m.

Is doing the twist such a crime?

Why would you get the Humpty Dumpty about that?

9:16 a.m.

He doesn�t even know about the accidental snogging-Dave-the-Laugh-in-the-Forest-of-Red-Bottomosity incident. Which I will never be mentioning this side of the grave.

9:17 a.m.

If he gets the numpty about a bit of twisting, what number on the Having the Hump Scale would he get to for accidental snogging?

9:18 a.m.

Perhaps Masimo has only got the overnight hump with me and he will be calling me soon.

9:30 a.m.

Oh joy unbounded. My vati has come barging into MY room. Which to be frank isn�t big enough for him and his bottom.

I am pretending to be asleep.

thirty seconds later

Thegros vater said, �Quickly, quickly rise and shine.�

I said, �Erm�Vati�it is Vati, isn�t it? Can you go away and I will pretend I haven�t noticed you breaking into my room without permission. Which incidentally you will never get. Good-bye.�

He came over and ruffled my hair, which is technically assault. I could get on the blower to ChildLine.

Dad was still going on and on in his dadtastic way. As he ripped back my curtains, nearly blinding me, he was rubbing his hands together and saying, �Come on, let�s have some family fun. Put your wellies on�we�re off to the bird sanctuary.�

That woke me up. He is deffo getting madder by the minute. And also he is wearing tight jeans. Surely there is some sort of law about that.

I said, �Dad, I am far too busy to go and look at budgies. Besides, I have seen one.�

He didn�t take any notice and went off. �I�ll be revving up the funmobile. See you in five.�

He was whistling, �Sex bomb, sex bomb, I�m a sex bomb.�

Pornographic whistling. I will probably be scarred for life.

five minutes later

Oh, the embarrassmentosity of having a dad. He is revving up his clown �car.� It sounds like a fat bloke revving up a sewing machine. Which it is really. He has painted a racing stripe down the side of his three-wheeled Robin Reliant. Even Grandad overtook the clown car the other day, and he wasn�t even on his bike. He was just walking quite briskly. That is how pathetico the Robin-mobile is.

one minute later

Anyway, how can I be expected to go look at budgies when I may once more be a dumpee on the rack of luuurve?

four minutes later

Mum came mumming in.

I said, �Before you start, I�m not coming to look at budgies and that isle fact.�

She said, �Hang on a minute, what are you doing here?�

I said, �Er, I live here.�

She said, �You were supposed to be staying at Jas�s, though.�

�Well�she was a bit�tired.�

�You fell out then?�

�Maybe.�

�What did you do to upset her?�

Oh, that�s nice, isn�t it? Nice and supportive.

�It was Saint Jas�s fault actually, if you must know. She was the one who told me to do something when Masimo and Dave the Laugh nearly had fisticuffs at dawn. And then when I did do something, she got the megahump and a half with me and stropped off.�

Mum came and sat on the edge of the bed. Oh Lord, now she had gotten interested. Drat.

She said, �Dave and Masimo were fighting?�

�Sort of.�

�Why?�

�I don�t know. Because I did a bit of ad hoc twisting with Dave, and Masimo got the hump.�

�So what did you do to stop them?�

�Well, I stepped in the middle of them and told them not to be silly.�

Mum looked at me. �What did you actually say?�

�Stop in the name of pants.�

Mum just looked at me again. She is like a Seeing Eye dog.

I bumbled on. �But then Rosie started singing that crap song fromThe Sound of Music ��The hills are alive with the sound of PANTS, with PANTS I have worn for a thousand years.� And the ace gang joined in and��

�And?�

�Then Masimo