Augustus Does His Bit | Page 8

head of your
men like a sea-god riding on a tidal wave, you suddenly sprang over the
top shouting "To Berlin! Forward!"; dashed at the German army
single-handed; and were cut off and made prisoner by the Huns.
AUGUSTUS. Yes, madam; and what was my reward? They said I had
disobeyed orders, and sent me home. Have they forgotten Nelson in the
Baltic? Has any British battle ever been won except by a bold initiative?
I say nothing of professional jealousy, it exists in the army as elsewhere;
but it is a bitter thought to me that the recognition denied me by my
country--or rather by the Radical cabal in the Cabinet which pursues
my family with rancorous class hatred--that this recognition, I say,
came to me at the hands of an enemy--of a rank Prussian.
THE LADY. You don't say so!
AUGUSTUS. How else should I be here instead of starving to death in
Ruhleben? Yes, madam: the Colonel of the Pomeranian regiment which
captured me, after learning what I had done, and conversing for an hour
with me on European politics and military strategy, declared that
nothing would induce him to deprive my country of my services, and
set me free. I offered, of course, to procure the release in exchange of a
German officer of equal quality; but he would not hear of it. He was
kind enough to say he could not believe that a German officer
answering to that description existed. [With emotion.] I had my first
taste of the ingratitude of my own country as I made my way back to
our lines. A shot from our front trench struck me in the head. I still
carry the flattened projectile as a trophy [he throws it on the table; the
noise it makes testifies to its weight]. Had it penetrated to the brain I
might never have sat on another Royal Commission. Fortunately we
have strong heads, we Highcastles. Nothing has ever penetrated to our
brains.
THE LADY. How thrilling! How simple! And how tragic! But you will
forgive England? Remember: England! Forgive her.
AUGUSTUS [with gloomy magnanimity]. It will make no difference
whatever to my services to my country. Though she slay me, yet will I,
if not exactly trust in her, at least take my part in her government. I am
ever at my country's call. Whether it be the embassy in a leading

European capital, a governor-generalship in the tropics, or my humble
mission here to make Little Pifflington do its bit, I am always ready for
the sacrifice. Whilst England remains England, wherever there is a
public job to be done you will find a Highcastle sticking to it. And now,
madam, enough of my tragic personal history. You have called on
business. What can I do for you?
THE LADY. You have relatives at the Foreign Office, have you not?
AUGUSTUS [haughtily]. Madam, the Foreign Office is staffed by my
relatives exclusively.
THE LADY. Has the Foreign Office warned you that you are being
pursued by a female spy who is determined to obtain possession of a
certain list of gun emplacements?
AUGUSTUS [interrupting her somewhat loftily]. All that is perfectly
well known to this department, madam.
THE LADY [surprised and rather indignant]. Is it? Who told you? Was
it one of your German brothers-in-law?
AUGUSTUS [injured, remonstrating]. I have only three German
brothers-in-law, madam. Really, from your tone, one would suppose
that I had several. Pardon my sensitiveness on that subject; but reports
are continually being circulated that I have been shot as a traitor in the
courtyard of the Ritz Hotel simply because I have German
brothers-in-law. [With feeling.] If you had a German brother-in-law,
madam, you would know that nothing else in the world produces so
strong an anti-German feeling. Life affords no keener pleasure than
finding a brother-in-law's name in the German casualty list.
THE LADY. Nobody knows that better than I. Wait until you hear
what I have come to tell you: you will understand me as no one else
could. Listen. This spy, this woman--
AUGUSTUS [all attention]. Yes?
THE LADY. She is a German. A Hun.
AUGUSTUS. Yes, yes. She would be. Continue.
THE LADY. She is my sister-in-law.
AUGUSTUS [deferentially]. I see you are well connected, madam.
Proceed.
THE LADY. Need I add that she is my bitterest enemy?
AUGUSTUS. May I--[he proffers his hand. They shake, fervently.
>From this moment onward Augustus becomes more and more

confidential, gallant, and charming.]
THE LADY. Quite so. Well, she is an intimate friend of your brother at
the War Office, Hungerford Highcastle, Blueloo as you call him, I don't
know why.
AUGUSTUS [explaining]. He was originally called The Singing
Oyster, because he sang drawing-room ballads with such an
extraordinary absence of expression. He was then