Augustus Does His Bit | Page 7

nobody in the room: fire away.

What?...A spy!...A woman!...Yes: brought it down with me. Do you
suppose I'm such a fool as to let it out of my hands? Why, it gives a list
of all our anti-aircraft emplacements from Ramsgate to Skegness. The
Germans would give a million for it-- what?... But how could she
possibly know about it? I haven't mentioned it to a soul, except, of
course, dear Lucy...Oh, Toto and Lady Popham and that lot: they don't
count: they're all right. I mean that I haven't mentioned it to any
Germans.... Pooh! Don't you be nervous, old chap. I know you think me
a fool; but I'm not such a fool as all that. If she tries to get it out of me
I'll have her in the Tower before you ring up again. [The clerk returns.]
Sh-sh! Somebody's just come in: ring off. Goodbye. [He hangs up the
receiver.]
THE CLERK. Are you engaged? [His manner is strangely softened.]
AUGUSTUS. What business is that of yours? However, if you will
take the trouble to read the society papers for this week, you will see
that I am engaged to the Honorable Lucy Popham, youngest daughter
of--
THE CLERK. That ain't what I mean. Can you see a female?
AUGUSTUS. Of course I can see a female as easily as a male. Do you
suppose I'm blind?
THE CLERK. You don't seem to follow me, somehow. There's a
female downstairs: what you might call a lady. She wants to know can
you see her if I let her up.
AUGUSTUS. Oh, you mean am I disengaged. Tell the lady I have just
received news of the greatest importance which will occupy my entire
attention for the rest of the day, and that she must write for an
appointment.
THE CLERK. I'll ask her to explain her business to me. I ain't above
talking to a handsome young female when I get the chance [going].
AUGUSTUS. Stop. Does she seem to be a person of consequence?
THE CLERK. A regular marchioness, if you ask me.
AUGUSTUS. Hm! Beautiful, did you say?
THE CLERK. A human chrysanthemum, sir, believe me.
AUGUSTUS. It will be extremely inconvenient for me to see her; but
the country is in danger; and we must not consider our own comfort.
Think how our gallant fellows are suffering in the trenches! Show her
up. [The clerk makes for the door, whistling the latest popular ballad].

Stop whistling instantly, sir. This is not a casino.
CLERK. Ain't it? You just wait till you see her. [He goes out.]
Augustus produces a mirror, a comb, and a pot of moustache pomade
from the drawer of the writing-table, and sits down before the mirror to
put some touches to his toilet.
The clerk returns, devotedly ushering a very attractive lady, brilliantly
dressed. She has a dainty wallet hanging from her wrist. Augustus
hastily covers up his toilet apparatus with The Morning Post, and rises
in an attitude of pompous condescension.
THE CLERK [to Augustus]. Here she is. [To the lady.] May I offer you
a chair, lady? [He places a chair at the writing-table opposite Augustus,
and steals out on tiptoe.]
AUGUSTUS. Be seated, madam.
THE LADY [sitting down]. Are you Lord Augustus Highcastle?
AUGUSTUS [sitting also]. Madam, I am.
TAE LADY [with awe]. The great Lord Augustus?
AUGUSTUS. I should not dream of describing myself so, Madam; but
no doubt I have impressed my countrymen--and [bowing gallantly]
may I say my countrywomen--as having some exceptional claims to
their consideration.
THE LADY [emotionally]. What a beautiful voice you have!
AUGUSTUS. What you hear, madam, is the voice of my country,
which now takes a sweet and noble tone even in the harsh mouth of
high officialism.
THE LADY. Please go on. You express yourself so wonderfully!
AUGUSTUS. It would be strange indeed if, after sitting on thirty-seven
Royal Commissions, mostly as chairman, I had not mastered the art of
public expression. Even the Radical papers have paid me the high
compliment of declaring that I am never more impressive than when I
have nothing to say.
THE LADY. I never read the Radical papers. All I can tell you is that
what we women admire in you is not the politician, but the man of
action, the heroic warrior, the beau sabreur.
AUGUSTUS [gloomily]. Madam, I beg! Please! My military exploits
are not a pleasant subject, unhappily.
THE LADY. Oh, I know I know. How shamefully you have been
treated! what ingratitude! But the country is with you. The women are

with you. Oh, do you think all our hearts did not throb and all our
nerves thrill when we heard how, when you were ordered to occupy
that terrible quarry in Hulluch, and you swept into it at the