Apologia Pro Vita Sua | Page 8

case of my own),
because the view, which it opens on us, is positive and objective, in
spite of the fullest demonstration that it really has no claim upon our
reception. The reader says, "What else can the prophecy mean?" just as
my Accuser asks, "What, then, does Dr. Newman mean?" ... I reflected,
and I saw a way out of my perplexity.
Yes, I said to myself, his very question is about my meaning; "What
does Dr. Newman mean?" It pointed in the very same direction as that
into which my musings had turned me already. He asks what I mean;
not about my words, not about my arguments, not about my actions, as
his ultimate point, but about that living intelligence, by which I write,
and argue, and act. He asks about my Mind and its Beliefs and its
sentiments; and he shall be answered;--not for his own sake, but for
mine, for the sake of the Religion which I profess, and of the
Priesthood in which I am unworthily included, and of my friends and of
my foes, and of that general public which consists of neither one nor
the other, but of well-wishers, lovers of fair play, sceptical
cross-questioners, interested inquirers, curious lookers-on, and simple

strangers, unconcerned yet not careless about the issue,--for the sake of
all these he shall be answered.
My perplexity had not lasted half an hour. I recognized what I had to do,
though I shrank from both the task and the exposure which it would
entail. I must, I said, give the true key to my whole life; I must show
what I am, that it may be seen what I am not, and that the phantom may
be extinguished which gibbers instead of me. I wish to be known as a
living man, and not as a scarecrow which is dressed up in my clothes.
False ideas may be refuted indeed by argument, but by true ideas alone
are they expelled. I will vanquish, not my Accuser, but my judges. I
will indeed answer his charges and criticisms on me one by one[1], lest
any one should say that they are unanswerable, but such a work shall
not be the scope nor the substance of my reply. I will draw out, as far as
may be, the history of my mind; I will state the point at which I began,
in what external suggestion or accident each opinion had its rise, how
far and how they developed from within, how they grew, were
modified, were combined, were in collision with each other, and were
changed; again how I conducted myself towards them, and how, and
how far, and for how long a time, I thought I could hold them
consistently with the ecclesiastical engagements which I had made and
with the position which I held. I must show,--what is the very
truth,--that the doctrines which I held, and have held for so many years,
have been taught me (speaking humanly) partly by the suggestions of
Protestant friends, partly by the teaching of books, and partly by the
action of my own mind: and thus I shall account for that phenomenon
which to so many seems so wonderful, that I should have left "my
kindred and my father's house" for a Church from which once I turned
away with dread;--so wonderful to them! as if forsooth a Religion
which has flourished through so many ages, among so many nations,
amid such varieties of social life, in such contrary classes and
conditions of men, and after so many revolutions, political and civil,
could not subdue the reason and overcome the heart, without the aid of
fraud in the process and the sophistries of the schools.
[1] This was done in the Appendix, of which the more important parts
are preserved in the Notes.

* * * * *
What I had proposed to myself in the course of half-an-hour, I
determined on at the end of ten days. However, I have many difficulties
in fulfilling my design. How am I to say all that has to be said in a
reasonable compass? And then as to the materials of my narrative; I
have no autobiographical notes to consult, no written explanations of
particular treatises or of tracts which at the time gave offence, hardly
any minutes of definite transactions or conversations, and few
contemporary memoranda, I fear, of the feelings or motives under
which, from time to time I acted. I have an abundance of letters from
friends with some copies or drafts of my answers to them, but they are
for the most part unsorted; and, till this process has taken place, they
are even too numerous and various to be available at a moment for my
purpose. Then, as to the volumes