An Ideal Husband | Page 5

CHILTERN. What an absurd reason!
LORD GORING. All reasons are absurd.
MABEL CHILTERN. What sort of a woman is she?
LORD GORING. Oh! a genius in the daytime and a beauty at night!
MABEL CHILTERN. I dislike her already.
LORD GORING. That shows your admirable good taste.
VICOMTE DE NANJAC. [Approaching.] Ah, the English young lady is the dragon of
good taste, is she not? Quite the dragon of good taste.
LORD GORING. So the newspapers are always telling us.
VICOMTE DE NANJAC. I read all your English newspapers. I find them so amusing.
LORD GORING. Then, my dear Nanjac, you must certainly read between the lines.
VICOMTE DE NANJAC. I should like to, but my professor objects. [To MABEL
CHILTERN.] May I have the pleasure of escorting you to the music-room,
Mademoiselle?

MABEL CHILTERN. [Looking very disappointed.] Delighted, Vicomte, quite delighted!
[Turning to LORD GORING.] Aren't you coming to the music-room?
LORD GORING. Not if there is any music going on, Miss Mabel.
MABEL CHILTERN. [Severely.] The music is in German. You would not understand it.
[Goes out with the VICOMTE DE NANJAC. LORD CAVERSHAM comes up to his
son.]
LORD CAVERSHAM. Well, sir! what are you doing here? Wasting your life as usual!
You should be in bed, sir. You keep too late hours! I heard of you the other night at Lady
Rufford's dancing till four o'clock in the morning!
LORD GORING. Only a quarter to four, father.
LORD CAVERSHAM. Can't make out how you stand London Society. The thing has
gone to the dogs, a lot of damned nobodies talking about nothing.
LORD GORING. I love talking about nothing, father. It is the only thing I know anything
about.
LORD CAVERSHAM. You seem to me to be living entirely for pleasure.
LORD GORING. What else is there to live for, father? Nothing ages like happiness.
LORD CAVERSHAM. You are heartless, sir, very heartless!
LORD GORING. I hope not, father. Good evening, Lady Basildon!
LADY BASILDON. [Arching two pretty eyebrows.] Are you here? I had no idea you
ever came to political parties!
LORD GORING. I adore political parties. They are the only place left to us where people
don't talk politics.
LADY BASILDON. I delight in talking politics. I talk them all day long. But I can't bear
listening to them. I don't know how the unfortunate men in the House stand these long
debates.
LORD GORING. By never listening.
LADY BASILDON. Really?
LORD GORING. [In his most serious manner.] Of course. You see, it is a very
dangerous thing to listen. If one listens one may be convinced; and a man who allows
himself to be convinced by an argument is a thoroughly unreasonable person.
LADY BASILDON. Ah! that accounts for so much in men that I have never understood,

and so much in women that their husbands never appreciate in them!
MRS. MARCHMONT. [With a sigh.] Our husbands never appreciate anything in us. We
have to go to others for that!
LADY BASILDON. [Emphatically.] Yes, always to others, have we not?
LORD GORING. [Smiling.] And those are the views of the two ladies who are known to
have the most admirable husbands in London.
MRS. MARCHMONT. That is exactly what we can't stand. My Reginald is quite
hopelessly faultless. He is really unendurably so, at times! There is not the smallest
element of excitement in knowing him.
LORD GORING. How terrible! Really, the thing should be more widely known!
LADY BASILDON. Basildon is quite as bad; he is as domestic as if he was a bachelor.
MRS. MARCHMONT. [Pressing LADY BASILDON'S hand.] My poor Olivia! We have
married perfect husbands, and we are well punished for it.
LORD GORING. I should have thought it was the husbands who were punished.
MRS. MARCHMONT. [Drawing herself up.] Oh, dear no! They are as happy as possible!
And as for trusting us, it is tragic how much they trust us.
LADY BASILDON. Perfectly tragic!
LORD GORING. Or comic, Lady Basildon?
LADY BASILDON. Certainly not comic, Lord Goring. How unkind of you to suggest
such a thing!
MRS. MARCHMONT. I am afraid Lord Goring is in the camp of the enemy, as usual. I
saw him talking to that Mrs. Cheveley when he came in.
LORD GORING. Handsome woman, Mrs. Cheveley!
LADY BASILDON. [Stiffly.] Please don't praise other women in our presence. You
might wait for us to do that!
LORD GORING. I did wait.
MRS. MARCHMONT. Well, we are not going to praise her. I hear she went to the Opera
on Monday night, and told Tommy Rufford at supper that, as far as she could see,
London Society was entirely made up of dowdies and dandies.
LORD GORING. She is quite right, too. The men are all dowdies and the women are all
dandies, aren't they?

MRS. MARCHMONT. [After