A Tale of a Tub | Page 6

government. To prevent which, there has been much thought
employed of late upon certain projects for taking off the force and edge of those
formidable inquirers from canvassing and reasoning upon such delicate points. They have
at length fixed upon one, which will require some time as well as cost to perfect.
Meanwhile, the danger hourly increasing, by new levies of wits, all appointed (as there is
reason to fear) with pen, ink, and paper, which may at an hour's warning be drawn out
into pamphlets and other offensive weapons ready for immediate execution, it was judged
of absolute necessity that some present expedient be thought on till the main design can
be brought to maturity. To this end, at a grand committee, some days ago, this important
discovery was made by a certain curious and refined observer, that seamen have a custom
when they meet a Whale to fling him out an empty Tub, by way of amusement, to divert
him from laying violent hands upon the Ship. This parable was immediately
mythologised; the Whale was interpreted to be Hobbes's "Leviathan," which tosses and
plays with all other schemes of religion and government, whereof a great many are

hollow, and dry, and empty, and noisy, and wooden, and given to rotation. This is the
Leviathan from whence the terrible wits of our age are said to borrow their weapons. The
Ship in danger is easily understood to be its old antitype the commonwealth. But how to
analyse the Tub was a matter of difficulty, when, after long inquiry and debate, the literal
meaning was preserved, and it was decreed that, in order to prevent these Leviathans
from tossing and sporting with the commonwealth, which of itself is too apt to fluctuate,
they should be diverted from that game by "A Tale of a Tub." And my genius being
conceived to lie not unhappily that way, I had the honour done me to be engaged in the
performance.
This is the sole design in publishing the following treatise, which I hope will serve for an
interim of some months to employ those unquiet spirits till the perfecting of that great
work, into the secret of which it is reasonable the courteous reader should have some
little light.
It is intended that a large Academy be erected, capable of containing nine thousand seven
hundred forty and three persons, which, by modest computation, is reckoned to be pretty
near the current number of wits in this island {50}. These are to be disposed into the
several schools of this Academy, and there pursue those studies to which their genius
most inclines them. The undertaker himself will publish his proposals with all convenient
speed, to which I shall refer the curious reader for a more particular account, mentioning
at present only a few of the principal schools. There is, first, a large pederastic school,
with French and Italian masters; there is also the spelling school, a very spacious building;
the school of looking-glasses; the school of swearing; the school of critics; the school of
salivation; the school of hobby-horses; the school of poetry; the school of tops; the school
of spleen; the school of gaming; with many others too tedious to recount. No person to be
admitted member into any of these schools without an attestation under two sufficient
persons' hands certifying him to be a wit.
But to return. I am sufficiently instructed in the principal duty of a preface if my genius,
were capable of arriving at it. Thrice have I forced my imagination to take the tour of my
invention, and thrice it has returned empty, the latter having been wholly drained by the
following treatise. Not so my more successful brethren the moderns, who will by no
means let slip a preface or dedication without some notable distinguishing stroke to
surprise the reader at the entry, and kindle a wonderful expectation of what is to ensue.
Such was that of a most ingenious poet, who, soliciting his brain for something new,
compared himself to the hangman and his patron to the patient. This was insigne, recens,
indictum ore alio {51a}. When I went through that necessary and noble course of study,
{51b} I had the happiness to observe many such egregious touches, which I shall not
injure the authors by transplanting, because I have remarked that nothing is so very
tender as a modern piece of wit, and which is apt to suffer so much in the carriage. Some
things are extremely witty to-day, or fasting, or in this place, or at eight o'clock, or over a
bottle, or spoke by Mr. Whatdyecall'm, or in a summer's morning, any of which, by the
smallest transposal or misapplication, is utterly annihilate. Thus wit has its walks and
purlieus, out of which