A Grandpas Not | Page 6

She

wrote:
'Since the birth of our second child our family has received lots of
warm wishes. Yet, often, in offering congratulations, well wishers
remarked along the lines 'You must be happy to have a boy now.' This
confused our older child, a four-year-old girl.
'Of course, she is a much loved and cherished child and we could not
love her any more if she were a boy. And we are very happy to have
our new son, but would have loved a second daughter just as much. But
the casual remarks about having a son are secondary to my concern
about my parents' relationship with our children.
'My parents reside within easy driving distance and we are a close-knit
family. Rarely a week passes that we and my parents don't do
something together. They are my daughter's primary baby-sitters and
are very generous toward her.
'However, I am starting to see that there will be a difference, based
solely on gender, in my parents' treatment of both children. When my
son was barely a week old, my father said that he was looking forward
to taking him fishing. When I remarked that my daughter had a fishing
pole and, due to the age difference between her and her brother, would
be a more appropriate companion, still no invitation was forthcoming.
'When my father invited my husband fishing the following week, my
father grumbled at the suggestion that they take my daughter along.
'My son is now two and a half months old, and my father is looking
forward to participating with him in Little League, soccer, etc. Again,
both my husband and I chimed in that the same activities are also
available for girls. Silence.
'What really disturbs me is that after these rebuffs my daughter
sometimes quietly says to me, 'Mama, I am proud we both are girls.' I
don't know where she gets this from, but she'll often repeat it several
times and in more of a forlorn tone than an enthusiastic one.'
Grandpa Too Far
You telephone your son or daughter who lives in a distant city. He or
she now has her own children. You chat with your son or daughter in
the usual fashion. Closing, you ask to talk to your grandchild. The
youngster comes on line:
'Hi,' Grandchild says.
'Hi, there! Know who this is?'

'Grandpa.'
'Right, Grandpa. How are you, dear?'
'Fine.'
'Good. What are you doing?'
'Playing with my toys.'
'What did you do yesterday?'
'Went to the park.'
'...have a good time there?'
'Yes.'
'That's nice. Well, I'm sure glad we had this little chat. Aren't you?'
'Yes.'
'Bye.'
'Bye.'
The following morning at day school the children talk about what
happened over the weekend. It's Grandchild's turn.
'Oh, I played with my toys and went to the park and I talked to my
grandpa on the telephone.'
'What did you and grandpa talk about?'
Long pause.
'Oh...nothin'.'
Think a Story
If you can think a story, and if you can write a letter or express your
thoughts orally or visually, then you can combine them into a message
to a grandchild. The more often you do it, the easier it becomes. If the
mechanics of writing or drawing is the problem, then audiotape. The
point is to interact and communicate with a grandchild so that the
youngster knows of your caring, and that caring is normal. Grandchild
will readily grasp that Grandma or Grandpa wants to share, and that
sharing is fine.
The type of communication most desired by my grandchildren until
their fifth or sixth years, and under the circumstances of the distance
between us, was the letter-story. The written stories evolved out of our
infrequent family get-togethers. Occasionally, an idea for a story called
for follow- up negotiations over the telephone to clarify plots, scenes,
and characters. My grandchildren liked the stories, and both they and I
enjoyed the discussions that preceded the writing. The give-and-take
stimulated our imaginations and creativity, and often provided me with

opportunities to pass along family history.
Today's youngsters know more about the world than children of
previous generations, one of the many benefits of our expanding
telecommunication capabilities and greater education and travel
opportunities. Youngsters get their view of the world from what they
see, hear, and learn from and about their families.
Letter stories, anecdotes and lore give grandchildren a better view of
their grandparents, and about what older adults believe. The process, if
positive oriented, contributes toward the grandchild's maturity, and
offers them encouragement, values, models, and incentives.
There are tens of thousands of homes across the land where treasured
possessions, tangible and otherwise, were created or acquired by the
occupants or their forebears. You have them in your home as I do in
mine. In time, those possessions: properties and artifacts,