A Christmas Story | Page 2

have heard others through; I have seen
your sufferings and your trials, as I have seen many, very many suffer
and endure trials, and I have solved the problem and told it all to my
segar!'
'Well now that is selfish, William!'
'Not at all my dear sister, what lady would tolerate the slightest
interference with her housekeeping? How long would you permit me to
stay here, in financial partnership, if I even offered one word of advice.'
'Oh, how unjust, speak out now and let me hear what you have
confided to your segar.'
'Well, in the first place, there are two kinds of ways to keep house. No.
one is to keep your servants; No. two is to be kept by them. Herein is
the key note of much trouble. Another difficulty is fear. I have been
perfectly amazed to listen to ladies when asking a waiter to do
something for them. Just think of it. I heard Mrs. ----, at table the other
day, turn round and look towards a red headed, uplifted girl, with a
conciliatory smile and say, 'Betty, would you mind giving me a glass of
water?'
'Zounds madam, I wanted to scream!--and only last night, while paying

a visit I heard a lady who rules her elegant husband to within an inch of
his life, say to the waiter, 'John, please put on your things and muffle
up well, for it is very cold and do take this note to Mrs. Henry's' and,
almost with the same breath, she turned on her husband and said,
'Albert, go down and get that medicine at once for you know I cannot
retire till I take it--you can see your friend any time,' looking at me in a
hard manner and then at the clock. 'Now what do you call that? That
woman has courage to meet her equals and put all things straight; but a
menial crushes her.'
'Well, of course you don't understand those things, William, but I do.'
'I suppose so, but I don't want to. It is all wrong--all humbug, all
TRASH!' I exclaimed as my excitement knocked the ashes of my segar
over my clean shirt.
'What would you have us do?' exclaimed Mary, a little nettled at my
last remark.
'Do?' I replied, with emphasis; 'let the men keep house. Watch them,
and learn the true method, which has for its motto,
"Maximum of work, Minimum of trouble."'
By this time I began to feel anxious.--My sister had gone off into a fit
of laughter that at first greatly roused my ire, but ultimately awakened
anxiety, for she could not gain her breath. I rang for a servant; of course
none came, for she always had to call them. 'They were having such a
good time down stairs, they could not hear the bell,' so I poured out a
glass of water, and, while she drank, seized the poker; stirred up the
dying embers; put on a good back log; lit a large and strong Cabana to
lend zest to my courage, and prepared to make one more effort for
victory.
Gradually subsiding into a few occasional chromatic giggles, Mary
looked through her beautiful eyes, glistening with tears of fun, and said,
in a smothered whisper,

'Well, and what would you do?'
'Do?' I repeated. 'Let me have the reins for one month, and I will show
you.'
There! it was out, and I felt relieved.
'But, William,' she whispered, pointing with anxiety to the door which
stood ajar, 'how long do you suppose they would stay with you?'
'Until they got married or died!' I answered with confidence, and,
sitting bolt upright, I ran both thumbs under my waistcoat arm-holes
and played on my chest with my fingers, while I puffed tremendously
to envelope my countenance with smoke, the better to hide my
ill-concealed smile.
'You single men are too amusing, my dear brother,' said she, looking
earnestly into my face and patting my shoulder with an expression of
pity. 'To convince you that woman's mission is the care of domestic
matters; and, as I would like a little rest combined with fun, I will turn
over everything to you, and----'
'Done!' I yelled with delight, and jumping up, I paced up and down the
library like a prisoner freed from chains.--'Done! Oh! I thank you,
Mary.'
'Stop, young man,' she said, with assumed severity, 'hear the conditions
of the bond.'
'Write it down,' I said, in haste, 'and so long as I am to have the reins I
will sign.'
'Well, sir,' said she, entering with her old accustomed gaiety into the
subject matter. 'I agree to let you keep house on the following
conditions:' naming a good many, which I listened to with marked
interest, and finally condensed into