the zahir | Page 9

I become. She accepts my aggression without
complaint; she merely reminds me that the departure date is getting closer.
One night, shortly before that date, she refuses to make love. I smoke a whole joint of
marijuana, drink two bottles of wine, and pass out in the middle of the living room. When
I come to, I realize that I have reached the bottom of the pit, and now all that remains is
for me to clamber back up to the top. And I, who so pride myself on my courage, see how
cowardly, mean, and unadventurous I am being with my own life. That morning, I wake
her with a kiss and tell her that I�ll do as she suggests.
I set off, and for thirty-eight days I follow the road to Santiago. When I arrive, I
understand that my real journey only starts there. I decide to settle in Madrid and live off
my royalties, to allow an ocean to separate me from Esther�s body, even though we are
still officially together and often talk on the phone. It�s very comfortable being married
and knowing that I can always return to her arms, meanwhile enjoying all the
independence in the world.
I fall in love with a Catalan scientist, with an Argentine woman who makes jewelry, and
with a young woman who sings in the metro. The royalties from my lyrics keep rolling in
and are enough for me to live comfortably without having to work and with plenty of
time to do everything�even write a book.
The book can always wait until tomorrow, though, because the mayor of Madrid has
decreed that the city should be one long party and has come up with an interesting
slogan��Madrid is killing me��and urges us all to visit several bars each night, coining
the phrase la movida madrile�a (�the Madrid scene�), which is something I cannot
possibly put off until tomorrow; everything is such fun; the days are short and the nights
are long.
One day, Esther phones to say that she�s coming to see me: according to her, we need to
sort out our situation once and for all. She has booked her ticket for the following week,
which gives me just enough time to organize a series of excuses. (�I�m going to Portugal,
but I�ll be back in a month,� I tell the blonde girl who used to sing in the metro and who
now sleeps in the rented apartment where I live and with whom I go out every night to
enjoy la movida madrile�a.) I tidy the apartment, expunge any trace of a female presence,
and ask my friends not to breathe a word, because my wife is coming to stay for a month.
Esther gets off the plane sporting a hideous, unrecognizable haircut. We travel to the
interior of Spain, discover little towns that mean a great deal for one night, but which, if I
went back there today, I wouldn�t even be able to find. We go to bullfights, flamenco
shows, and I am the best husband in the world, because I want her to go home feeling that
I still love her. I don�t know why I want to give this impression�perhaps because, deep
down, I know that the Madrid dream will eventually end.
I complain about her haircut and she changes it and is pretty again. There are only ten
days left of her holiday and I want her to go home feeling happy and to leave me alone to
enjoy this Madrid that is killing me, the discotheques that open at ten in the morning, the
bullfights, the endless conversations about the same old topics, the alcohol, the women,
more bullfights, more alcohol, more women, and absolutely no timetable.
One Sunday, while we are walking to a bar that serves food all night, she brings up the
forbidden topic: the book I said I was writing. I drink a whole bottle of sherry, kick any
metal doors we pass on the way back, verbally abuse other people in the street, ask why
she bothered traveling all this way if her one aim was to make my life a hell and destroy
my happiness. She says nothing, but we both know that our relationship has reached its
limits. I have a dreamless night�s sleep, and the following morning, having complained to
the building manager about the phone that doesn�t work, having told off the cleaning
woman because she hasn�t changed the sheets for a week, having taken a long, long bath
to get rid of the hangover from the night before, I sit down at my typewriter, just to show
Esther that I am trying, honestly trying, to work.
And suddenly, the miracle happens. I look across at the woman who has just made some
coffee and is now reading the newspaper, whose eyes look tired and desperate, who is her
usual silent self, who does not always show her affection in gestures, the woman who
made me say yes when I wanted to say no, who forced me to fight for what she, quite
rightly, believed was