Youth | Page 7

of mind into which I
had fallen. I was unusually good-humoured that day, and listened to
everything with a smile and a studied air of kindness. Even when I
asked for the kvas I did so politely, while I lost not a moment in
agreeing with St. Jerome when he told me that it was undoubtedly more
correct to say "Je peux" than "Je puis." Yet, I must confess to a certain
disappointment at finding that no one paid any particular attention to
my politeness and good-humour. After luncheon, Lubotshka showed
me a paper on which she had written down a list of her sins: upon
which I observed that, although the idea was excellent so far as it went,
it would be still better for her to write down her sins on her SOUL--"a
very different matter."
"Why is it 'a very different matter'?" asked Lubotshka.

"Never mind: that is all right; you do not understand me," and I went
upstairs to my room, telling St. Jerome that I was going to work, but in
reality purposing to occupy the hour and a half before confession time
in writing down a list of my daily tasks and duties which should last me
all my life, together with a statement of my life's aim, and the rules by
which I meant unswervingly to be guided.
v
MY RULES
I TOOK some sheets of paper, and tried, first of all, to make a list of
my tasks and duties for the coming year. The paper needed ruling, but,
as I could not find the ruler, I had to use a Latin dictionary instead. The
result was that, when I had drawn the pen along the edge of the
dictionary and removed the latter, I found that, in place of a line, I had
only made an oblong smudge on the paper, since the, dictionary was
not long enough to reach across it, and the pen had slipped round the
soft, yielding corner of the book. Thereupon I took another piece of
paper, and, by carefully manipulating the dictionary, contrived to rule
what at least RESEMBLED lines. Dividing my duties into three
sections-- my duties to myself, my duties to my neighbour, and my
duties to God--I started to indite a list of the first of those sections, but
they seemed to me so numerous, and therefore requiring to be divided
into so many species and subdivisions, that I thought I had better first
of all write down the heading of "Rules of My Life" before proceeding
to their detailed inscription. Accordingly, I proceeded to write "Rules
of My Life" on the outside of the six sheets of paper which I had made
into a sort of folio, but the words came out in such a crooked and
uneven scrawl that for long I sat debating the question, "Shall I write
them again?"--for long, sat in agonised contemplation of the ragged
handwriting and disfigured title-page. Why was it that all the beauty
and clarity which my soul then contained came out so misshapenly on
paper (as in life itself) just when I was wishing to apply those qualities
to what I was thinking at the moment?
"The priest is here, so please come downstairs and hear his directions,"
said Nicola as he entered,

Hurriedly concealing my folio under the table-cloth, I looked at myself
in the mirror, combed my hair upwards (I imagined this to give me a
pensive air), and descended to the divannaia, [Room with divans, or
ante-room] where the table stood covered with a cloth and had an ikon
and candles placed upon it. Papa entered just as I did, but by another
door: whereupon the priest--a grey- headed old monk with a severe,
elderly face--blessed him, and Papa kissed his small, squat, wizened
hand. I did the same.
"Go and call Woldemar," said Papa. "Where is he? Wait a minute,
though. Perhaps he is preparing for the Communion at the University?"
"No, he is with the Prince," said Katenka, and glanced at Lubotshka.
Suddenly the latter blushed for some reason or another, and then
frowned. Finally, pretending that she was not well, she left the room,
and I followed her. In the drawing-room she halted, and began to pencil
something fresh on her paper of peccadilloes.
"Well, what new sin have you gone and committed?" I asked.
"Nothing," she replied with another blush. All at once we heard
Dimitri's voice raised in the hall as he took his leave of Woloda.
"It seems to me you are always experiencing some new temptation,"
said Katenka, who had entered the room behind us, and now stood
looking at Lubotshka.
What was the matter with my sister I could not conceive, but she was
now so agitated that the tears were starting from