You Should Worry Says John Henry | Page 8

Peaches, but she looked very
solemnly at the menu card and began to bite her lips.
"Je suis tout a votre service," the waiter cross-countered before I could
recover, and he had me gasping. It never struck me that I had to take a
course in French before entering the Builtfast hunger foundry, and there
I sat making funny faces at the tablecloth, while friend wife blushed
crimson and the waiter kept on bowing like an animated jackknife.
"Say, Mike!" I ventured after a bit, "tip us off to a quiet bunch of eating

that will fit a couple of appetites just out seeing the sights. Nothing that
will put a kink in a year's income, you know, Bo; just suggest some
little thing that looks better than it tastes, but is not too expensive to
keep down."
"Oui, oui!" His Marseillaise came back at me, "un diner comfortable
doit se composer de potage, de volaille bouillie ou rotie, chaude ou
froide, de gibier, de plats rares et distingues, de poissons, de sucreries,
de patisseries et de fruits!"
I looked at my wife, she looked at me, then we both looked out the
window and wished we had never been born.
"Say, Garsong," I said, after we came to, "my wife is a daughter of the
American Revolution and she's so patriotic she eats only in United
States, so cut out the Moulin Rouge lyrics and let's get down to cases.
How much will it set me back if I order a plain steak--just enough to
flirt with two very polite appetites?"
"Nine dollars and seventy cents," said Joan of Arc's brother Bill; "the
seventy cents is for the steak and the nine dollars will help some to pay
for the Looey the Fifteenth furniture in the bridal chamber."
"Save the money, John," whispered Peaches, "and we'll buy a pianola
with it."
"How about a sliver of roast beef with some simple vegetable," I said to
the waiter. "Is it a bull market for an order like that?"
"Three dollars and forty-two cents," answered Henri of Navarre;
"forty-two cents for the order and three dollars to help pay for the
French velvet curtains in the golden suite on the second floor."
"Keep on guessing, John; you'll wear him out," Peaches whispered.
"Possibly a little cold lamb with a suggestion of potato salad on the side
might satisfy us," I said; "make me an estimate."

"Four dollars and eighteen cents," replied Patsey Boulanger; "eighteen
cents for the lamb and salad and the four dollars for the Looey the
Fifteenth draperies in the drawing-room."
"Ask him if there's a bargain counter anywhere in the dining-room,"
whispered Peaches.
"My dear," I said to friend wife, "we have already displaced about sixty
dollars' worth of space in this dyspepsia emporium, and we must,
therefore, behave like gentlemen and order something, no matter what
the cost. What are the savings of a lifetime compared with our honor!"
The waiter bowed so low that his shoulder blades cracked like a whip.
"Bring us," I said, "a plain omelet and one dish of prunes."
I waited till Peter Girofla translated this into French and then I added,
"And on the side, please, two glasses of water and three toothpicks.
Have the prunes fricasseed, wash the water on both corners, and bring
the toothpicks rare."
The waiter rushed away and all around us we could hear money talking
to itself.
Fair women sat at the tables picking dishes out of the bill of fare which
brought the blush of sorrow to the faces of their escorts. It was a
wonderful sight, especially for those who have a nervous chill every
time the gas bill comes in.
When we ate our modest little dinner the waiter presented a check
which called for three dollars and thirty-three cents.
"The thirty-three cents is for what you ordered," Alexander J. Dumas
explained, "and the three dollars is for the French hangings in the
parlor."
"Holy Smoke!" I cried; "that fellow Looey the Fifteenth has been doing
a lot of work around here, hasn't he?" But the waiter was so busy

watching the finish of the change he handed me that he didn't crack a
smile.
Then I got reckless and handed him a fifty-cent tip.
The waiter looked at the fifty cents and turned pale.
Then he looked at me and turned paler.
He tried to thank me, but he caught another flash of that plebeian fifty
and it choked him.
Then he took a long look at the half-dollar and with a low moan he
passed away.
In the excitement I grabbed Peaches and we flew for home.
The next time I go to one of those expensive shacks it will be just after
I've had a hearty dinner.
Even at that I may