You Can Search Me | Page 3

much money changed hands while it was building.
"In the lobby the furniture was covered with men about town, who sat around with a checkbook in each hand and made faces at the cash registers.
"There are more bellboys than bedrooms in the hotel. They use them for change. Every time you give the cashier $15 he hands you back $1.50 and six bellboys.
"We took a peep at the diamond-backed dining-room and when I saw the waiters refusing everything but certified checks in the way of a tip, I said to Peaches, 'This is no place for us!' But she wouldn't let go, and we filed in to the appetite killery.
"A very polite lieutenant-waiter, with a sergeant-waiter and two corporal-waiters, greeted us and we gave the countersign, 'Abandon wealth, all ye who enter here.'
"Then the lieutenant-waiter and his army corps deployed by columns of four and escorted us to the most expensive looking trough I ever saw in a dining-room.
"'Peaches,' I said to my wife, 'I'm doing this to please you, but after I pay the check, it's me to file a petition in bankruptcy.'
"But she only grinned, picked up the point-lace napkin and began to admire the onyx furniture.
"'_Que souhaitez vous_?' said the waiter, bowing so low that I could feel a chill running through my little bank account.
"'I guess he means you,' I whispered to Peaches, but she looked very solemnly at the menu card and began to bite her lips.
"'_Je suis tout a votre service_,' the waiter cross-countered before I could recover, and he had me gasping. It never struck me that I had to take a course in French before entering the St. Regis hunger foundry, and there I sat making funny faces at the tablecloth, while my wife blushed crimson and the waiter kept on bowing like an animated jack-knife.
"'Say, Mike!' I ventured after a bit; 'tip us off to a quiet bunch of eating that will fit a couple of appetites just out seeing the sights. Nothing that will put a kink in a year's income, you know, Beau; just suggest some little thing that looks better than it tastes, but is not too expensive to keep down.'
"'_Oui, oui_!' His Marseillaise came back at me, '_un diner confortable doit se composer de potage, de volaille bouillie ou rotie, chaude ou froide, de gibier, de plats rares et distingues, de poissons, de sucreries, de patisseries et de fruits_!'
"I looked at my wife, she looked at me, then we both looked out the window and wished we had never been born.
"'Say, Garsong,' I said, after we came to, 'my wife is a daughter of the American Revolution and she's so patriotic she eats only in United States, so cut out the Moulin Rouge lyrics and let's get down to cases. How much will it set me back if I order a plain steak--just enough to flirt with two very polite appetites?'
"'Nine dollars and seventy cents,' said Joan of Arc's brother Bill; 'the seventy cents is for the steak and the nine dollars will help some to pay for the Looey the Fifteenth furniture in the bridal chamber.'
"'Save the money, John,' whispered Peaches; 'and we'll buy a cow with it.'
"'How about a sliver of roast beef with some slapped potatoes,' I said to the waiter. 'Is it a bull market for an order like that?'
"'Three dollars and forty-two cents,' answered Henri of Navarre; 'forty-two cents for the order and three dollars to help pay for the French velvet curtains in the golden suite on the second floor.'
"'Keep on guessing, John; you'll wear him out,' Peaches whispered.
"'Possibly a little cold lamb with a suggestion of potato salad on the side might satisfy us,' I said; 'make me an estimate.'
"'Four dollars and eighteen cents,' replied Patsey Boulanger; 'eighteen cents for the lamb and salad and the four dollars for the Looey the Fifteenth graperies in the drawing-room.'
"'Ask him if there's a bargain counter anywhere in the dining-room,' whispered Peaches.
"'My dear,' I said to Clara J., 'we have already displaced about sixty dollars' worth of space in this dyspepsia emporium, and we must, therefore, behave like gentlemen and order something, no matter what the cost. What are the savings of a life-time compared with our honor!'
"The waiter bowed so low that his shoulder blades cracked like a whip.
"'Bring us,' I said, 'a plain omelet and one dish of prunes.'
[Illustration: "Bring us a plain omelet and one dish of prunes."]
"I waited till Peter Girofla translated this into French and then I added, 'And on the side, please, two glasses of water and three toothpicks. Have the prunes fricasseed, wash the water on both corners, and bring the toothpicks rare.'
"The waiter rushed away and all around us we could hear money talking to itself.
"Fair women sat at the tables picking dishes out of the