Write Stories To Me, Grandpa! | Page 9

I and J. Soon after the photo was taken, by K, we all drove
to AA, visited the city of BB, and had lunch at CC. It was that
afternoon that the ZZ incident occurred, and about which I've often
talked. For those of you who haven' heard the story, here's what
happened....'
And so, far into the night and for days and nights afterward. The task is
done, and the archives are ready to pass along to the next generation.
Whenever the subject comes up with others, or when I speak to groups,
I urge against putting off this task. We all share in the two great
mysteries: mortality and uncertainty. Among the treasures we leave
behind are our memories, especially those of family and happy times.
NO ANSWERS

Occasionally, among the letters I received, was one that reflected deep
disappointment and anguish. The writer had tried to contact a
grandchild - or a grandparent - who was too faraway geographically or
beyond a barrier of circumstance. There were no answers.
A man in his eighties wrote that he had a couple of dozen grandchildren
and great-grandchildren scattered around the world. Not one had
written to him or telephoned, either on their own or in response to his
letters and gifts. He was a widower, lived alone, and was the only
remaining grandparent. He wanted his grandchildren to know that he
was still alive. He had much to offer them, he said, about the family's
history and traditions.
'Should I just give up?' he asked.
I suggested that he, as the only living grandparent, persevere and to not
accept defeat. Whatever the past might have been, his advanced years
called for him to be nonjudgmental, empathic, and healing. I suggested
that his grandchildren have or will have families of their own and, in
time, will also be grandparents. As elders, they will reflect on their
lives and, with a perspective vastly different from their youth and
middle years, recall that Grandpa, in his advanced years, had tried to
reach out to them as a grandparent in deed as well as in name.
In remembering, they would better understand their own roles as
grandparents and their needs as elderly. Through their remembering he
will become the 'grandpa' he had sought, long before, to be. Persistence,
I reminded him - not giving up - was vital to his well being if not to his
life. To stop trying would be to accept defeat. The elderly do not take
defeats lightly; at some point the added weight accelerates their
downward spiral.
What he was doing for his grandchildren, I wrote, might have profound
effects long after he was gone. Grandparenting is both here and now
and for the long haul, and it influences grandchildren across their entire
life span, not merely for the few years that grandparents were right
there to offer guidance and hold them close.

Grandchildren rarely realize it when they're kids - very often not even
well into in their middle years - but the grandparents in their lives are
forever. Most adults finally figure it out in their latter years. In time,
grandkids figure it out, in their turn.
A woman wrote to me about her pre-teenage daughter's repeated but
futile attempts to communicate with her grandfather. He was in his
eighth decade and resided in a distant state; the youngster was his only
grandchild. Intelligent and caring, she had written to him regularly, sent
holiday cards and gifts, and baked and mailed cookies. He did not
acknowledge.
When Grandpa did telephone, not often, he spoke briefly with the
youngster's parents but avoided talking to her. He had not visited for a
long time, lived alone, and was a loner with few friends. The mother's
letter did not mention a Grandma, and appealed for a suggestion.
I responded that the parent review grandfather's wellness and what his
self-image might be in the light of his past. Had he always been as
withdrawn as he now appeared to be? How had he related emotionally
to his family when his children were young? Had the family been close,
or had Dad been distant even then toward his children and their mother?
If he had been a close and caring father, when did changes occur that
were significantly different, as currently displayed toward his only
grandchild?
What might have brought the changes on? Advancing age can be an
important factor: changes that occur during a person's eighth decade
and beyond can be ravaging, especially if health had seriously
deteriorated or a great personal loss experienced. If such was the case,
Grandpa might feel strongly not to impose his difficult problems on
Grandchild?
'I don't know if Grandfather can be changed,' I wrote. 'I do believe that
Grandfather needs your understanding and your compassion,