Without Dogma | Page 8

gifts that
way,--although my drawing and music masters opined differently; but
how was it that neither my father nor the priest was able to imbue me
with that love of art for art's sake? Have I a feeling for art? Yes. Is art a
necessity of my life? Yes, again. But they loved it; I only feel it as a
_dilettante_; it is a necessity in so far as it complements every kind of

pleasant and delightful sensation. It is one of my delights, but not an
all-absorbing passion; I should not like to live without it, but could not
devote my whole life to it.
As the schools at Rome left much to be desired, my father sent me to a
college in Metz, where I carried off honors and prizes with very little
effort. A year before the last term, I ran away to join Don Carlos, and
with Tristan's detachment wandered for some time about the Pyrenees;
until my father, with the help of the consul in Burgos, found me, and I
was sent back to Metz to be duly punished. The penalty was not a
heavy one, as my father and the teachers were secretly proud of my
escapade. A brilliant success at the examinations quickly earned me a
full absolution.
Among my schoolfellows, whose sympathies were naturally with Don
Carlos, I henceforth passed as a hero; and as I was at the same time one
of the foremost pupils, my position as the first at school was beyond
dispute. I was growing up with the conviction that later on, in a larger
sphere, it would be the same. This opinion was shared by my teachers
and schoolfellows; and yet the fact is that many of my schoolfellows
who at one time would not have dreamed of competing with me,
occupy to-day in France high places in literary, scientific, and political
spheres; whereas I, had I to choose a profession, should feel
considerably perplexed. My social position is excellent. I possess
independent means from my mother's side, shall inherit my father's
fortune in time to come, and administer the Ploszow estate more or less
wisely, as the case may be; but the very limitation of the work excludes
all hope of distinguishing myself in life, or playing any prominent part
in it.
I shall never be a great administrator or agriculturist; for though I do
not mean to shirk my duties, I could not devote my whole life to
them,--for the simple reason that my aspirations aim much higher.
Sometimes I ask myself whether we Ploszowskis do not delude
ourselves as to our abilities. But if such were the case, the delusion
would be only personal; other people, strangers, could not be deceived
in the same way. Besides, I know that my father is an extraordinarily
gifted man. As to myself, I will not enter more fully on the subject, as it
might appear mere boastfulness; nevertheless I have the conviction that
I could be something infinitely greater than I am.

For instance, at Warsaw (my father and my aunt wished me to enter the
university there) Sniatynski and I were fellow-students. We both were
drawn towards literature, and tried our hand at it. I do not say I was
looked upon as the more gifted of the two, but the truth is that my work
then was considered better and more promising than Sniatynski's.
Sniatynski has for some years past occupied a prominent position in
literature, and I am still the greatly promising Pan Ploszowski, of
whom here and there people are wont to say: "If he would only take up
something!"
Ah! there is the rub,--"if he would!" But they do not seem to take it into
account that one has to know how to will. I thought sometimes that if I
had no means of subsistence I should have to work. Certainly I should
have to do something in order to earn my bread; but even then I am
firmly convinced I should not derive the twentieth part of advantage
from my capacities. Besides, such men as Darwin or Buckle were rich;
Sir John Lubbock is a banker; most of the known men in France are in
easy circumstances. This proves that wealth is not a hindrance, but
rather a help towards attaining a proper standing in the chosen field of
labor. I confess that, as far as I am concerned, it has done me some
service, as it preserved my character from many a crookedness poverty
might have exposed it to. I do not mean by this that I have a weak
character,--although struggle for existence might have made it stronger;
but still I maintain that the less stony the road, the less chance of a fall.
It is not owing to constitutional laziness,