Wit, Humor, Reason, Rhetoric, Prose, Poetry and Story Woven into Eight Popular Lectures | Page 8

said to a rich English land-owner:
"Me Lord, I think the world is very unaqually divided; it should be portioned out and each one given an aqual share with ivery other one?"
The Englishman replied: "Well, Pat, if we were to divide today, in ten years I would have ten thousand pounds and you wouldn't have a shilling."
"Then we would divide again," said the Irishman.
On an electric car going out of New York City, a man, who occupied a seat next to the aisle, had a pet monkey in a cage on the seat with him, next to the window. An Irishman boarded the car and seeing all the seats taken he remained standing, holding on to a strap, when suddenly he spied the monkey in the cage. He immediately addressed the man who had the monkey:
"Sir, is that gintleman in the cage paying his fare? If not, I'd like to have the sate."
The owner of the monkey lifted the cage to his lap and moved over, giving the Irishman a seat.
"What's the nationality of that gintleman, anyway?" asked Pat.
By this time the other man was very much out of humor and said: "He's half ape and half Irish."
"Faith, then he's related to both of us," replied the witty son of Erin, and there were two monkeys on that car.
I'll admit this trait of humor comes in sometimes when it is quite embarrassing, as it was to Sam Jones upon one occasion, when in the midst of a sermon before a large audience, he said:
"All you who want to go to heaven, stand up; I'd like to take a look at you."
The audience arose in great numbers. When seated again Mr. Jones said: "Now all you who want to go to the devil, stand and let's have a look at you."
All was silent for a moment and then a tall, lank, lean fellow from the backwoods arose and said: "Well, parson, I don't care anything special about seeing the old chap, but I never desert a friend in trouble, specially a minister, so I guess I'll have to stand with you."
Dr. Frank Gunsaulus told me of a time when he had to laugh under embarrassing circumstances. He was called upon to preach the funeral of a man who had died from the effects of drink. His friends had made a box for the corpse and had placed in the top a ten by twelve window glass to go over the face, but when the time came to put the top on the box, being double-sighted from drink, they reversed the top and had the glass at the foot of the coffin instead of the head.
The preacher took his place, as he supposed, at the head of the deceased, when looking down his eyes fell upon a pair of feet. With great effort he kept his face straight and conducted the service. At the close he invited the friends to view the remains. One stimulated friend walked up to the coffin, shook his head and turning to another said: "Don't look at him, Jim. He's changing very fast and you won't know him."
The great preacher is to be excused if he did laught at that funeral.
It's good to laugh, and yet, while I pay tribute to the trait of humor, I would have the undergirding trait of all traits of character, the trait of principle. Though you may use policy now and then, never use a policy you must get off the heaven-bound express train of principle to use.
I don't like that word policy. There is another and better name for the trait I would present just here, and that is tact. It means the doing of a right thing at the right time and in the right place. Some young men win first honors in college and fail in the business of life for want of tact. Here is where the Yankee excels. The Southerner is genial, generous and has many traits of character to be admired, but he must doff his hat to Yankee character for the development of tact.
Sam Jones, who rarely ever failed to get the best of whoever tried repartee with him, met more than his match when he ran up against Yankee tact. He was raising money to pay off the debt on a church.
A liberal member said: "Mr. Jones, I have given about all I can afford to give, but if you will get one dollar from that old man on the end of the back bench of the 'amen corner,' I'll give you ten dollars more."
"Has he any money, and is he a member of the church?"
"Yes," was the answer to both questions.
The great evangelist said: "Well, that's easy," and started for the dollar.
Approaching the old man he said: "Brother, I'm collecting money for the