When Knighthood Was in Flower | Page 9

for in a
nature like hers, charged with latent force, strong and hot and fiery as
the sun's stored rays, it needed but a flash to make it patent, when
damage was sure to follow for somebody--probably Brandon.
Mary did not come home with us from Westminster the morning after
the joustings, as we had expected, but followed some four or five days
later, and Brandon had fairly settled himself at court before her arrival.
As neither his duties nor mine were onerous, we had a great deal of
time on our hands, which we employed walking and riding, or sitting in
our common room reading and talking. Of course, as with most young
men, that very attractive branch of natural history, woman, was a
favorite topic, and we accordingly discussed it a great deal; that is, to
tell the exact truth, I did. Although Brandon had seen many an
adventure during his life on the continent, which would not do to write
down here, he was as little of a boaster as any man I ever met, and,
while I am in the truth-telling business, I was as great a braggart of my
inches as ever drew the long-bow--in that line, I mean. Gods! I flush up
hot, even now, when I think of it. So I talked a great deal and found
myself infinitely pleased with Brandon's conversational powers, which
were rare; being no less than the capacity for saying nothing, and
listening politely to an infinite deal of the same thing, in another form,
from me.
I remember that I told him I had known the Princess Mary from a time

when she was twelve years old, and how I had made a fool of myself
about her. I fear I tried to convey the impression that it was her exalted
rank only which made her look unfavorably upon my passion, and
suppressed the fact that she had laughed at me good humoredly, and
put me off as she would have thrust a poodle from her lap. The truth is,
she had always been kind and courteous to me, and had admitted me to
a degree of intimacy much greater than I deserved. This, partly at least,
grew out of the fact that I helped her along the thorny path to
knowledge; a road she traveled at an eager gallop, for she dearly loved
to learn--from curiosity perhaps.
I am sure she held me in her light, gentle heart as a dear friend, but
while her heart was filled with this mild warmth for me, mine began to
burn with the flame that discolors everything, and I saw her friendliness
in a very distorting light. She was much kinder to me than to most men,
but I did not see that it was by reason of my absolute harmlessness; and,
I suppose, because I was a vain fool, I gradually began to gather
hope--which goes with every vain man's love--and what is more,
actually climbed to the very apex of idiocy and declared myself. I well
knew the infinite distance between us; but like every other man who
came within the circle of this charming lodestone I lost my head, and,
in short, made a greater fool of myself than I naturally was--which is
saying a good deal for that time in my life, God knows!
I knew vaguely but did not fairly realize how utterly beyond my reach
in every way she was until I opened the flood-gates of my passion--as I
thought it--and saw her smile, and try to check the coming laugh. Then
came a look of offended dignity, followed by a quick softening glance.
"Leave me one friend, I pray you, Edwin. I value you too highly to lose,
and esteem you too much to torment. Do not make of yourself one of
those fools who feel, or pretend to feel, I care not which, such
preference for me. You cannot know in what contempt a woman holds
a man who follows her though she despises him. No man can beg a
woman's love; he must command it; do not join their ranks, but let us
be good friends. I will tell you the plain truth; it would be no different
were we both of the same degree; even then I could not feel toward you

as you think you wish, but I can be your friend, and will promise to be
that always, if you will promise never again to speak of this to me."
I promised solemnly and have always kept my word, as this true,
gracious woman, so full of faults and beauties, virtues and failings, has,
ever since that day and moment, kept hers. It seemed that my love, or
what I supposed was love, left my heart at once, frozen