Three Plays | Page 2

but he been so mean to me, it seems lak seventeen
years.
JUDGE Now you tell me just where he hurt you.
WOMAN Judge, tell you de truth, I'm hurt all over. (Rubs her buttocks)
Fact is I'm cut.
JUDGE Did you git cut in de fracas?
WOMAN (feeling the back of her left thigh below her buttocks) Not in
de fracas, Judge--just below it. (She starts to show the JUDGE where
she has been cut. He motions to stop her.)
JUDGE Stop! (to Officer Simpson) Grab him. Put him in de shade.
CLIFF Judge, I'm unguilty! I ain't laid de weight of my hand on her in
malice. You got me 'cused of murder and I ain't harmed a child.
JUDGE Lemme ast you something. Didn't you know dat all de women
in dis town belongs to me? Beat my women and I'll stuff you in jail. 90
years. Take 'im away. (CLIFF is led off to jail. JUDGE looks angrily at
the boy who is holding hands with the pretty girl) You runs me hot and
I'm just dyin' to sit on _yo'_ case. Whut you in here for?
BOY Nothin'.
JUDGE Well, whut you doin' in my court, you gater-faced rascal?
BOY My girl wanted to see whut was goin' on, so I brought her in.
JUDGE Oh yeah! (Smiles at GIRL) She was usin' good sense to come
see whut I'm doin', but how come you come in here? You gointer have
a hard time gittin' out.
BOY I ain't done a thing. I ain't never done nothin'. I'm just as clean as
a fish, and he been bathin' all his life.
JUDGE You ain't done nothin', hunh? Well den youse guilty of

vacancy. Grab 'im, Simpson, and search 'im--and if he got any
concealed weapons, I'm gointer give 'im life-time and eight years mo'.
(The OFFICER seizes the boy and frisks him. All he finds is a new
deck of cards. The JUDGE looks at them in triumph.) Unh hunh! I
knowed it, one of dese skin game jelly-beans. Robbin' hard workin'
men out they money.
BOY Judge, I ain't used 'em at all. See, dey's brand new.
JUDGE Well, den youse charged wid totin' concealed cards and
attempt to gamble. Ten years at hard labor. Put him in de dark,
Simpson, and throw de key away. (He looks at the girl and beams.)
Don't you worry bout how you gointer git home. You gointer be took
home right, 'cause I'm gointer take you myself. Bring on de next one,
clerk.
CLERK Jemima Flap-Cakes, charged with illegal possession and sale
of alcoholic liquors.
JUDGE (She is a fat, black, belligerent looking woman. JUDGE looks
coldly at her.) Well, you heard whut he said. Is you guilty or unguilty?
And I'm tellin' you right now dat you come up befo' me it's just like
youse in church. You better have a strong determination, and you better
tell a good experience.
JEMIMA (Arms akimbo) Yes, I sold it and I'll sell it again. (snaps
fingers and shakes hips) How does ole booze-selling mama talk?
JUDGE Yes, five thousand dollars and ten years in jail. (Snaps fingers
and shakes hips) How does ole heavy fining papa talk? (She is led away,
shouting and weeping)
CLERK De Otis Blunt, charged wid stealin' a mule. (LAWYER arises
and comes forward with the prisoner)
LAWYER You can't convict this man. I'm here to represent him.
JUDGE Yo' mouf might spout lak a coffee pot but I got a lawyer

(Looks at other lawyer) dat kin beat your segastuatin'. (Looks admiring
at girl) How am I chewin' my dictionary and minglin' my alphabets?
LAWYER Well, I kin try, can't I?
JUDGE Oh yeah, you kin try, but I kin see right now where he's gointer
git all de time dat God ever made dat ain't been used already. From
now on. (To LAWYER) Go 'head, and spread yo' lungs all over Georgy,
but he's goin' to jail! Mules must be respected.
LAWYER (Striking a pose at the bar) Your Honor, (Looks at the pretty
girl) Ladies and Gentlemen--
JUDGE Never mind 'bout dat lady. You talk yo' chat to me.
LAWYER This is a clear case of syllogism! Again I say syllogism. My
client is innocent because it was a dark night when they say he stole the
mule and that's against all laws of syllogism. (JUDGE looks impressed
and laughs)
JUDGE Dat ole fool do know somethin' 'bout law.
LAWYER When George Washington was pleading de case of Marbury
vs. Madison, what did he say? What did he say? Scintillate, scintillate,
Globule orific. Fain would I fathom thy nature's specific. Loftily poised
in ether capacious, strongly resembling a gem carbonacious. What did
Abraham Lincoln say about mule-stealing? When torrid Phoebut
refuses his presence