Three Men in a Boat | Page 5

they gave me clumps on the side of the
head. And, strange as it may appear, those clumps on the head often
cured me - for the time being. I have known one clump on the head
have more effect upon my liver, and make me feel more anxious to go
straight away then and there, and do what was wanted to be done,
without further loss of time, than a whole box of pills does now.
You know, it often is so - those simple, old-fashioned remedies are
sometimes more efficacious than all the dispensary stuff.

We sat there for half-an-hour, describing to each other our maladies. I
explained to George and William Harris how I felt when I got up in the
morning, and William Harris told us how he felt when he went to bed;
and George stood on the hearth-rug, and gave us a clever and powerful
piece of acting, illustrative of how he felt in the night.
George FANCIES he is ill; but there's never anything really the matter
with him, you know.
At this point, Mrs. Poppets knocked at the door to know if we were
ready for supper. We smiled sadly at one another, and said we
supposed we had better try to swallow a bit. Harris said a little
something in one's stomach often kept the disease in check; and Mrs.
Poppets brought the tray in, and we drew up to the table, and toyed
with a little steak and onions, and some rhubarb tart.
I must have been very weak at the time; because I know, after the first
half-hour or so, I seemed to take no interest whatever in my food - an
unusual thing for me - and I didn't want any cheese.
This duty done, we refilled our glasses, lit our pipes, and resumed the
discussion upon our state of health. What it was that was actually the
matter with us, we none of us could be sure of; but the unanimous
opinion was that it - whatever it was - had been brought on by
overwork.
"What we want is rest," said Harris.
"Rest and a complete change," said George. "The overstrain upon our
brains has produced a general depression throughout the system.
Change of scene, and absence of the necessity for thought, will restore
the mental equilibrium."
George has a cousin, who is usually described in the charge-sheet as a
medical student, so that he naturally has a somewhat
family-physicianary way of putting things.
I agreed with George, and suggested that we should seek out some

retired and old-world spot, far from the madding crowd, and dream
away a sunny week among its drowsy lanes - some half-forgotten nook,
hidden away by the fairies, out of reach of the noisy world - some
quaint-perched eyrie on the cliffs of Time, from whence the surging
waves of the nineteenth century would sound far-off and faint.
Harris said he thought it would be humpy. He said he knew the sort of
place I meant; where everybody went to bed at eight o'clock, and you
couldn't get a REFEREE for love or money, and had to walk ten miles
to get your baccy.
"No," said Harris, "if you want rest and change, you can't beat a sea
trip."
I objected to the sea trip strongly. A sea trip does you good when you
are going to have a couple of months of it, but, for a week, it is wicked.
You start on Monday with the idea implanted in your bosom that you
are going to enjoy yourself. You wave an airy adieu to the boys on
shore, light your biggest pipe, and swagger about the deck as if you
were Captain Cook, Sir Francis Drake, and Christopher Columbus all
rolled into one. On Tuesday, you wish you hadn't come. On Wednesday,
Thursday, and Friday, you wish you were dead. On Saturday, you are
able to swallow a little beef tea, and to sit up on deck, and answer with
a wan, sweet smile when kind-hearted people ask you how you feel
now. On Sunday, you begin to walk about again, and take solid food.
And on Monday morning, as, with your bag and umbrella in your hand,
you stand by the gunwale, waiting to step ashore, you begin to
thoroughly like it.
I remember my brother-in-law going for a short sea trip once, for the
benefit of his health. He took a return berth from London to Liverpool;
and when he got to Liverpool, the only thing he was anxious about was
to sell that return ticket.
It was offered round the town at a tremendous reduction, so I am told;
and was eventually sold for eighteenpence to a bilious-looking youth
who had just been advised by his medical men