The Wit and Humor of America, Volume VII

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The Wit and Humor of America, Volume VII.?by Various

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Title: The Wit and Humor of America, Volume VII. (of X.)
Author: Various
Editor: Marshall P. Wilder
Release Date: September 18, 2006 [EBook #19325]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
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Library Edition
THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA
In Ten Volumes
VOL. VII

[Illustration: GEORGE ADE]

THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA
EDITED BY MARSHALL P. WILDER
Volume VII
Funk & Wagnalls Company New York and London
Copyright MDCCCCVII, BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY Copyright MDCCCCXI, THE THWING COMPANY

CONTENTS
PAGE Alphabet of Celebrities Oliver Herford 1243 Assault and Battery Joseph G. Baldwin 1391 Associated Widows, The Katharine M. Roof 1338 Bill Nations Bill Arp 1368 Brakeman at Church, The Robert J. Burdette 1323 Breitmann and the Turners Charles Godfrey Leland 1217 By Bay and Sea John Kendrick Bangs 1367 Camp-Meeting, The Baynard Rust Hall 1265 Critic, The William J. Lampton 1336 Cupid, A Crook Edward W. Townsend 1220 Dubious Future, The Bill Nye 1298 Educational Project, An Roy Farrell Greene 1264 Fable Ralph Waldo Emerson 1358 Goat, The R.K. Munkittrick 1247 Happy Land, The Frank Roe Batchelder 1389 He and She Ironquill 1250 Holly Song Clinton Scollard 1260 How Mr. Terrapin Lost His Beard Anne Virginia Culbertson 1328 How Mr. Terrapin Lost His Plumage and Whistle Anne Virginia Culbertson 1360 In Defense of an Offering Sewell Ford 1248 It is Time to Begin to Conclude A.H. Laidlaw 1294 Jack Balcomb's Pleasant Ways Meredith Nicholson 1309 Lost Inventor, The Wallace Irwin 1385 Margins Robert J. Burdette 1297 My Cigarette Charles F. Lummis 1292 Nonsense Verses Gelett Burgess 1244 Notary of Périgueux Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 1251 Nothin' Done Sam S. Stinson 1296 Omar in the Klondyke Howard V. Sutherland 1387 Prayer of Cyrus Brown, The Sam Walter Foss 1398 Rhyme for Christmas, A John Challing 1290 Siege of Djklxprwbz, The Ironquill 1246 Skeleton in the Closet, The Edward Everett Hale 1371 Songs Without Words Robert J. Burdette 1261 Talk John Paul 1307 Triolets C.W.M. 1262 Two Cases of Grip M. Quad 1239 Utah Eugene Field 1305 Wicked Zebra, The Frank Roe Batchelder 1322 Winter Fancy, A R.K. Munkittrick 1308 What She Said About It John Paul 1263 Woman-Hater Reformed, The Roy Farrell Greene 1359 Women and Bargains Nina R. Allen 1352
COMPLETE INDEX AT THE END OF VOLUME X.

BREITMANN AND THE TURNERS
BY CHARLES GODFREY LELAND
Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners Novemper in de fall, Und dey gifed a boostin' bender All in de Toorner Hall. Dere coomed de whole Gesangverein Mit der Liederlich Aepfel Chor, Und dey blowed on de drooms und stroomed on de fifes Till dey couldn't refife no more.
Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners, Dey all set oop some shouts, Dey took'd him into deir Toorner Hall, Und poots him a course of shprouts, Dey poots him on de barrell-hell pars Und shtands him oop on his head, Und dey poomps de beer mit an enchine hose In his mout' dill he's 'pout half tead!
Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners;-- Dey make shimnastig dricks; He stoot on de middle of de floor, Und put oop a fifdy-six. Und den he trows it to de roof, Und schwig off a treadful trink: De veight coom toomple pack on his headt, Und py shinks! he didn't vink!
Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners:-- Mein Gott! how dey drinked und shwore Dere vas Schwabians und Tyrolers, Und Bavarians by de score. Some vellers coomed from de Rheinland, Und Frankfort-on-de-Main, Boot dere vas only von Sharman dere, Und he vas a Holstein Dane.
Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners, Mit a Limpurg' cheese he coom; Ven he open de box it schmell so loudt It knock de musik doomb. Ven de Deutschers kit de flavor, It coorl de haar on dere head; Boot dere vas dwo Amerigans dere; Und, py tam! it kilt dem dead!
Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners; De ladies coomed in to see; Dey poot dem in de blace for de gals, All in der gal-lerie. Dey ashk: "Vhere ish der Breitmann?" And dey dremple mit awe and fear Ven dey see him schwingen py de toes, A trinken lager bier.
Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners:-- I dells you vot py tam! Dey sings de great Urbummellied: De holy Sharman psalm. Und ven dey kits to de gorus You ought to hear dem dramp! It scared der Teufel down below To hear de Dootchmen stamp.
Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners:-- By Donner! it vas grand, Vhen de whole