The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV | Page 6

kingdom of Hades; Then he called loud as a trumpet, "I claim foul, Mr.
Umpire!" "Touch-down for Greece," said Hector; "'twixt you and me
and the goal-post I lost sight of the ball in a very singular manner."
Then they carried the sphere back to the twenty-five yard line, Prone on
the ground lay a Greek, the leather was poised in his fingers-- Thrice
Agamemnon adjusted the sphere with deliberation; Then he drew back
as a ram draws back for deadly encounter. Then he tripped lightly
ahead, and brought his sandal in contact Right at the point; straight
flew the ball right over the crossbar, While like the cries of pygmies
and cranes the race-yell resounded: "Breck-ek kek-kek-koax, Anax
andron, Agamemnon!"

THE ECONOMICAL PAIR
BY CAROLYN WELLS
Once on a Time there was a Man and his Wife who had Different Ideas
concerning Family Expenditures.
The Man said: "I am Exceedingly Economical; although I spend Small
Sums here and there for Cigars, Wines, Theater Tickets, and Little
Dinners, yet I do not buy me a Yacht or a Villa at Newport."
But even with these Praiseworthy Principles, it soon Came About that
the Man was Bankrupt.
Whereupon he Reproached his Wife, who Answered his Accusations
with Surprise.
"Me! My dear!" she exclaimed. "Why, I am Exceedingly Economical.
True, I Occasionally buy me a Set of Sables or a Diamond Tiara, but I
am Scrupulously Careful about Small Sums; I Diligently unknot all
Strings that come around Parcels, and Save Them, and I use the Backs
of old Envelopes for Scribbling-Paper. Yet, somehow, my
Bank-Account is also Exhausted."
MORALS:
This Fable teaches to Takes Care of the Pence and the Pounds will
Take Care of Themselves, and that we Should Not Be Penny-Wise and
Pound-Foolish.

THE TWO PEDESTRIANS
BY CAROLYN WELLS
Once on a time there were two Men, one of whom was a Good Man
and the other a Rogue.

The Good Man one day saw a Wretched Drunkard endeavoring to find
his way Home.
Being most kind-hearted, the Good Man assisted the Wretched
Drunkard to his feet and accompanied him along the Highway toward
his Home.
The Good Man held fast the arm of the Wretched Drunkard, and the
result of this was that when the Wretched Drunkard lurched giddily the
Good Man perforce lurched too.
Whereupon, as the Passing Populace saw the pair, they said: "Aha!
Another good man gone wrong," and they Wisely Wagged their Heads.
Now the Bad Man of this tale, being withal of a shrewd and canny
Nature, stood often on a street corner, and engaged in grave
conversation with the Magnates of the town.
To be sure, the Magnates shook him as soon as possible, but in no wise
discouraged he cheerfully sauntered up to another Magnate. Thus did
he gain a Reputation of being a friend of the Great.
MORALS:
This Fable teaches us that A Man is known by the Company he Keeps,
and that We Must not Judge by Appearances.

A COMPLAINT OF FRIENDS
BY GAIL HAMILTON
If things would not run into each other so, it would be a thousand times
easier and a million times pleasanter to get on in the world. Let the
sheepiness be set on one side and the goatiness on the other, and
immediately you know where you are. It is not necessary to ask that
there be any increase of the one or any diminution of the other, but only
that each shall preëmpt its own territory and stay there. Milk is good,

and water is good, but don't set the milk-pail under the pump. Pleasure
softens pain, but pain embitters pleasure; and who would not rather
have his happiness concentrated into one memorable day, that shall
gleam and glow through a lifetime, than have it spread out over a dozen
comfortable, commonplace, humdrum forenoons and afternoons, each
one as like the others as two peas in a pod? Since the law of
compensation obtains, I suppose it is the best law for us; but if it had
been left with me, I should have made the clever people rich and
handsome, and left poverty and ugliness to the stupid people;
because--don't you see?--the stupid people won't know they are ugly,
and won't care if they are poor, but the clever people will be hampered
and tortured. I would have given the good wives to the good husbands,
and made drunken men marry drunken women. Then there would have
been one family exquisitely happy instead of two struggling against
misery. I would have made the rose stem downy, and put all the thorns
on the thistles. I would have gouged out the jewel from the toad's head,
and given the peacock the nightingale's voice, and not set everything so
at half and half.
But