The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV | Page 4

by the prince of heretics to so unrighteous an end?"
"Thou sayest wisely," quoth the Friar Gonsol, "and thy words convince me that a battaile must be made with this devil for that booke. So now I shall go to encounter the fiend!"
"Then by the saints I shall go with thee!" cried the Friar Francis, and he gathered his gown about his loins right briskly.
But when the Friar Gonsol saw this he made great haste to go alone, and he ran out of the door full swiftly and fared him where the devil had appointed an appointment with him. Now wit you well that the Friar Francis did follow close upon his heels, for though his legs were not so long he was a mighty runner and he was right sound of wind. Therefore was it a pleasant sight to see these holy men vying with one another to do battle with the devil, and much it repenteth me that there be some ribald heretics that maintain full enviously that these two saintly friars did so run not for the devil that they might belabor him, but for the booke that they might possess it.
It fortuned that the devil was already come to the place where he had appointed the appointment, and in his hand he had the booke aforesaid. Much marveled he when that he beheld the two friars faring thence.
"I adjure thee, thou devil," said the Friar Gonsol from afar off, "I adjure thee give me that booke else I will take thee by thy horns and hoofs and drub thy ribs together!"
"Heed him not, thou devil," said the Friar Francis, "for it is I that am coming to wrestle with thee and to overcome thee for that booke!"
With such words and many more the two holy friars bore down upon the devil; but the devil thinking verily that he was about to be beset by the whole church militant stayed not for their coming, but presently departed out of sight and bore the book with him.
Now many people at that time saw the devil fleeing before the two friars, so that, esteeming it to be a sign of special grace, these people did ever thereafter acknowledge the friars to be saints, and unto this day you shall hear of St. Gonsol and St. Francis. Unto this day, too, doth the devil, with that same booke wherewith he tempted the friar of old, beset and ensnare men of every age and in all places. Against which devil may Heaven fortify us to do battle speedily and with successful issuance.

THE GRECO-TROJAN GAME
BY CHARLES F. JOHNSON
First on the ground appeared the god-like Trojan Eleven, Shining in purple and black, with tight and well-fitting sweaters, Woven by Andromache in the well-ordered palace of Priam. After them came, in goodly array, the players of Hellas, Skilled in kicking and blocking and tackling and fooling the umpire. All advanced on the field, marked off with white alabaster, Level and square and true, at the ends two goal posts erected, Richly adorned with silver and gold and carved at the corners, Bearing a legend which read, "Don't talk back at the umpire"-- Rule first given by Zeus, for the guidance of voluble mortals. All the rules of the game were deeply cut in the crossbars, So that the players might know exactly how to evade them.
On one side of the field were ranged the Trojan spectators, Yelling in composite language their ancient Phrygian war-cry; "Ho-hay-toe, Tou-tais-ton, Ton-tain-to; Boomerah Boomerah, Trojans!" And on the other, the Greeks, fair-haired, and ready to halloo, If occasion should offer and Zeus should grant them a touch-down, "Breck-ek kek-kek-koax, Anax andron, Agamemnon!"
First they agreed on an umpire, the silver-tongued Nestor. Long years ago he played end-rush on the Argive eleven; He was admitted by all to be an excellent umpire Save for the habit he had of making public addresses, Tedious, long-winded and dull, and full of minute explanations, How they used to play in the days when Cadmus was half-back, Or how Hermes could dodge, and Ares and Phoebus could tackle; Couched in rhythmical language but not one whit to the purpose. On his white hair they carefully placed the sacred tiara, Worn by the foot-ball umpires of old as a badge of their office, Also to save their heads, in case the players should slug them. Then they gave him a spear wherewith to enforce his decisions, And to stick in the ground to mark the place to line up to. He advanced to the thirty-yard line and began an oration:
"Listen, Trojans and Greeks! For thirty-five seasons, I played foot-ball in Greece with Peleus for half-back and captain. Those were the days of old when men played the game as they'd orter. Once, I remember, ?acus, the god-like