The Wit and Humor of America, Volume III | Page 6

cooks,
And sprint by some reflected ray The easy road of "How To" books!
Who craves the boon of dreamless sleep? Who bricks would make,
sans straw or clay? "Call spirits from the vasty deep," Or weave a lofty,
living lay? Let him be heartened, jocund, gay, Nor hopeless writhe on
tenter-hooks,-- They meet no barriers who essay The easy road of
"How To" books!
ENVOY
The critics still will slash and slay Poor hapless scribes, in sanctum
nooks; Lo! here's a refuge for their prey-- The easy road of "How To"
books!

THE TREE-TOAD
BY JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY
"'Scurious-like," said the tree-toad, "I've twittered fer rain all day; And
I got up soon, And I hollered till noon-- But the sun, hit blazed away,
Till I jest clumb down in a crawfish-hole, Weary at heart, and sick at
soul!
"Dozed away fer an hour, And I tackled the thing agin; And I sung, and
sung, Till I knowed my lung Was jest about give in; And then, thinks I,
ef hit don't rain now, There're nothin' in singin', anyhow!

"Once in awhile some farmer Would come a-drivin' past; And he'd hear
my cry, And stop and sigh-- Till I jest laid back, at last, And I hollered
rain till I thought my th'oat Would bust right open at ever' note!
"But I fetched her! O I fetched her!-- 'Cause a little while ago, As I
kindo' set, With one eye shet, And a-singin' soft and low, A voice
drapped down on my fevered brain, Sayin',--'Ef you'll jest hush I'll
rain!'"

THE HIRED HAND AND "HA'NTS"
BY E.O. LAUGHLIN
The Hired Hand was Johnnie's oracle. His auguries were infallible;
from his decisions there was no appeal. The wisdom of experienced age
was his, and he always stood willing to impart it to the youngest. No
question was too trivial for him to consider, and none too abstruse for
him to answer. He did not tell Johnnie to "never mind" or wait until he
grew older, but was ever willing to pause in his work to explain things.
And his oracular qualifications were genuine. He had traveled--had
even been as far as the State Fair; he had read--from Robinson Crusoe
to Dick the Dead Shot, and, more than all, he had meditated deeply.
The Hired Hand's name was Eph. Perhaps he had another name, too,
but if so it had become obsolete. Far and wide he was known simply as
Eph.
Eph was generally termed "a cur'ous feller," and this characterization
applied equally well to his peculiar appearance and his inquiring
disposition. In his confirmation nature had evidently sacrificed her love
of beauty to a temporary passion for elongation. Length seemed to have
been the central thought, the theme, as it were, upon which he had been
composed. This effect was heightened by generously broad hands and
feet and a contrastingly abbreviated chin. The latter feature caused his
countenance to wear in repose a decidedly vacant look, but it was
seldom caught reposing, usually having to bear a smirk of some sort.

Eph's position in the Winkle household was as peculiar as his
personality. Nominally he was a hired servant, but, in fact, from his
own point of view at least, he was Mr. Winkle's private secretary and
confidential adviser. He had been on the place "ever sence old Fan was
a yearlin'," which was a long while, indeed; and had come to regard
himself as indispensable. The Winkles treated him as one of the family,
and he reciprocated in truly familiar ways. He sat at the table with them,
helped entertain their guests, and often accompanied them to church. In
regulating matters on the farm Mr. Winkle proposed, but Eph
invariably disposed, in a diplomatic way, of course; and, although his
judgment might be based on false logic, the result was generally
successful and satisfactory.
With all his good qualities and her attachment to him, however, Mrs.
Winkle was not sure that Eph's moral status was quite sound, and she
was inclined to discourage Johnnie's association with him. As a matter
of fact she had overheard Johnnie utter several bad words, of which
Eph was certainly the prime source. But a mother's solicitude was of
little avail when compared with Eph's Delphian wisdom. Johnnie would
steal away to join Eph in the field at every chance, and the information
he acquired at these secret séances, was varied and valuable.
It was Eph who taught him how to tell the time of day by the sun; how
to insert a "dutchman" in the place of a lost suspender button; how to
make bird-traps; and how to "skin the cat." Eph initiated him into the
mysteries of magic and witchcraft, and showed him how to locate a
subterranean vein of water by