The White Devil | Page 9

sir, I 'll presently to Padua; I will not stay a minute.
Mont. Oh, good madam!
Brach. 'Twere best to let her have her humour; Some half-day's journey will bring down her stomach, And then she 'll turn in post.
Fran. To see her come To my lord for a dispensation Of her rash vow, will beget excellent laughter.
Isab. 'Unkindness, do thy office; poor heart, break: Those are the killing griefs, which dare not speak.' [Exit.
Marc. Camillo's come, my lord.
Enter Camillo
Fran. Where 's the commission?
Marc. 'Tis here.
Fran. Give me the signet.
Flam. [Leading Brachiano aside.] My lord, do you mark their whispering? I will compound a medicine, out of their two heads, stronger than garlic, deadlier than stibium: the cantharides, which are scarce seen to stick upon the flesh, when they work to the heart, shall not do it with more silence or invisible cunning.
Enter Doctor
Brach. About the murder?
Flam. They are sending him to Naples, but I 'll send him to Candy. Here 's another property too.
Brach. Oh, the doctor!
Flam. A poor quack-salving knave, my lord; one that should have been lashed for 's lechery, but that he confessed a judgment, had an execution laid upon him, and so put the whip to a non plus.
Doctor. And was cozened, my lord, by an arranter knave than myself, and made pay all the colorable execution.
Flam. He will shoot pills into a man's guts shall make them have more ventages than a cornet or a lamprey; he will poison a kiss; and was once minded for his masterpiece, because Ireland breeds no poison, to have prepared a deadly vapour in a Spaniard's fart, that should have poisoned all Dublin.
Brach. Oh, Saint Anthony's fire!
Doctor. Your secretary is merry, my lord.
Flam. O thou cursed antipathy to nature! Look, his eye 's bloodshot, like a needle a surgeon stitcheth a wound with. Let me embrace thee, toad, and love thee, O thou abominable, loathsome gargarism, that will fetch up lungs, lights, heart, and liver, by scruples!
Brach. No more.--I must employ thee, honest doctor: You must to Padua, and by the way, Use some of your skill for us.
Doctor. Sir, I shall.
Brach. But for Camillo?
Flam. He dies this night, by such a politic strain, Men shall suppose him by 's own engine slain. But for your duchess' death----
Doctor. I 'll make her sure.
Brach. Small mischiefs are by greater made secure.
Flam. Remember this, you slave; when knaves come to preferment, they rise as gallows in the Low Countries, one upon another's shoulders. [Exeunt. Monticelso, Camillo, and Francisco come forward.
Mont. Here is an emblem, nephew, pray peruse it: 'Twas thrown in at your window.
Cam. At my window! Here is a stag, my lord, hath shed his horns, And, for the loss of them, the poor beast weeps: The word, Inopem me copia fecit.
Mont. That is, Plenty of horns hath made him poor of horns.
Cam. What should this mean?
Mont. I 'll tell you; 'tis given out You are a cuckold.
Cam. Is it given out so? I had rather such reports as that, my lord, Should keep within doors.
Fran. Have you any children?
Cam. None, my lord.
Fran. You are the happier: I 'll tell you a tale.
Cam. Pray, my lord.
Fran. An old tale. Upon a time Ph?bus, the god of light, Or him we call the sun, would need to be married: The gods gave their consent, and Mercury Was sent to voice it to the general world. But what a piteous cry there straight arose Amongst smiths and felt-makers, brewers and cooks, Reapers and butter-women, amongst fishmongers, And thousand other trades, which are annoyed By his excessive heat! 'twas lamentable. They came to Jupiter all in a sweat, And do forbid the banns. A great fat cook Was made their speaker, who entreats of Jove That Ph?bus might be gelded; for if now, When there was but one sun, so many men Were like to perish by his violent heat, What should they do if he were married, And should beget more, and those children Make fireworks like their father? So say I; Only I apply it to your wife; Her issue, should not providence prevent it, Would make both nature, time, and man repent it.
Mont. Look you, cousin, Go, change the air for shame; see if your absence Will blast your cornucopia. Marcello Is chosen with you joint commissioner, For the relieving our Italian coast From pirates.
Marc. I am much honour'd in 't.
Cam. But, sir, Ere I return, the stag's horns may be sprouted Greater than those are shed.
Mont. Do not fear it; I 'll be your ranger.
Cam. You must watch i' th' nights; Then 's the most danger.
Fran. Farewell, good Marcello: All the best fortunes of a soldier's wish Bring you a-shipboard.
Cam. Were I not best, now I am turn'd soldier, Ere that I leave my wife, sell all she hath, And