The Touchstone | Page 8

be a pensioner on his
bounty. He knew she had no wish to keep herself alive on the small
change of sentiment; she simply fed on her own funded passion, and
the luxuries it allowed her made him, even then, dimly aware that she
had the secret of an inexhaustible alchemy.
Their relations remained thus negatively tender till she suddenly wrote
him of her decision to go abroad to live. Her father had died, she had no
near ties in Hillbridge, and London offered more scope than New York
to her expanding personality. She was already famous and her laurels
were yet unharvested.
For a moment the news roused Glennard to a jealous sense of lost
opportunities. He wanted, at any rate, to reassert his power before she
made the final effort of escape. They had not met for over a year, but of
course he could not let her sail without seeing her. She came to New
York the day before her departure, and they spent its last hours together.
Glennard had planned no course of action--he simply meant to let
himself drift. They both drifted, for a long time, down the languid
current of reminiscence; she seemed to sit passive, letting him push his
way back through the overgrown channels of the past. At length she
reminded him that they must bring their explorations to an end. He rose
to leave, and stood looking at her with the same uncertainty in his heart.
He was tired of her already--he was always tired of her--yet he was not
sure that he wanted her to go.

"I may never see you again," he said, as though confidently appealing
to her compassion.
Her look enveloped him. "And I shall see you always--always!"
"Why go then--?" escaped him.
"To be nearer you," she answered; and the words dismissed him like a
closing door.
The door was never to reopen; but through its narrow crack Glennard,
as the years went on, became more and more conscious of an
inextinguishable light directing its small ray toward the past which
consumed so little of his own commemorative oil. The reproach was
taken from this thought by Mrs. Aubyn's gradual translation into terms
of universality. In becoming a personage she so naturally ceased to be a
person that Glennard could almost look back to his explorations of her
spirit as on a visit to some famous shrine, immortalized, but in a sense
desecrated, by popular veneration.
Her letters, from London, continued to come with the same tender
punctuality; but the altered conditions of her life, the vistas of new
relationships disclosed by every phrase, made her communications as
impersonal as a piece of journalism. It was as though the state, the
world, indeed, had taken her off his hands, assuming the maintenance
of a temperament that had long exhausted his slender store of
reciprocity.
In the retrospective light shed by the letters he was blinded to their
specific meaning. He was not a man who concerned himself with
literature, and they had been to him, at first, simply the extension of her
brilliant talk, later the dreaded vehicle of a tragic importunity. He knew,
of course, that they were wonderful; that, unlike the authors who give
their essence to the public and keep only a dry rind for their friends,
Mrs. Aubyn had stored of her rarest vintage for this hidden sacrament
of tenderness. Sometimes, indeed, he had been oppressed, humiliated
almost, by the multiplicity of her allusions, the wide scope of her
interests, her persistence in forcing her superabundance of thought and
emotion into the shallow receptacle of his sympathy; but he had never
thought of the letters objectively, as the production of a distinguished
woman; had never measured the literary significance of her oppressive
prodigality. He was almost frightened now at the wealth in his hands;
the obligation of her love had never weighed on him like this gift of her

imagination: it was as though he had accepted from her something to
which even a reciprocal tenderness could not have justified his claim.
He sat a long time staring at the scattered pages on his desk; and in the
sudden realization of what they meant he could almost fancy some
alchemistic process changing them to gold as he stared. He had the
sense of not being alone in the room, of the presence of another self
observing from without the stirring of subconscious impulses that sent
flushes of humiliation to his forehead. At length he stood up, and with
the gesture of a man who wishes to give outward expression to his
purpose--to establish, as it were, a moral alibi--swept the letters into a
heap and carried them toward the grate. But it would have taken too
long to burn all the packets. He turned