The Title

The Title

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Title: The Title A Comedy in Three Acts
Author: Arnold Bennett
Release Date: June 22, 2004 [EBook #12687]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
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The Title
A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS
BY ARNOLD BENNETT
LONDON CHATTO & WINDUS MCMXVIII

CHARACTERS
MR. CULVER MRS. CULVER HILDEGARDE CULVER } their
children JOHN CULVER } TRANTO MISS STARKEY SAMPSON

STRAIGHT PARLOURMAID

ACT I
An evening between Christmas and New Year, before dinner.
ACT II
The next evening, after dinner.
ACT III
The next day, before lunch.
The scene throughout is a sitting-room in the well-furnished West End
abode of the Culvers. There is a door, back. There is also another door
(L) leading to Mrs. Culver's boudoir and elsewhere.

ACT I

ACT I
Hildegarde _is sitting at a desk, writing_. John, _in a lounging attitude,
is reading a newspaper_.
Enter Tranto, back.
TRANTO. Good evening.
HILDEGARDE (_turning slightly in her seat and giving him her left
hand, the right still holding a pen_). Good evening. Excuse me one
moment.
TRANTO. All right about my dining here to-night? (Hildegarde nods.)
Larder equal to the strain?
HILDEGARDE. Macaroni.
TRANTO. Splendid.
HILDEGARDE. Beefsteak.
TRANTO. Great heavens! (_imitates sketchily the motions of cutting
up a piece of steak. Shaking hands with_ John, _who has risen_). Well,
John. How are things? Don't let me disturb you. Have a cigarette.

JOHN (_flattered_). Thanks. (As they light cigarettes.) You're the first
person here that's treated me like a human being.
TRANTO. Oh!
JOHN. Yes. They all treat me as if I was a schoolboy home for the
hols.
TRANTO. But you are, aren't you?
JOHN. In a way, of course. But--well, don't you see what I mean?
TRANTO (_sympathetically_). You mean that a schoolboy home for
the hols isn't necessarily something escaped out of the Zoo.
JOHN (_warming_). That's it.
TRANTO. In fact, what you mean is you're really an individual very
like the rest of us, subject, if I may say so, to the common desires,
weaknesses and prejudices of humanity--and not a damned freak.
JOHN (_brightly_). That's rather good, that is. If it's a question of the
Zoo, what I say is--what price home? Now, homes are extraordinary if
you like--I don't know whether you've ever noticed it. School--you can
understand school. But home--! Strange things happen here while I'm
away.
TRANTO. Yes?
JOHN. It was while I was away they appointed Dad a controller. When
I heard--I laughed. Dad a controller! Why, he can't even control
mother.
HILDEGARDE (_without looking round_). Oh yes he can.
JOHN (_pretending to start back_). Stay me with flagons! (Resuming to
Tranto.) And _you're_ something new here since the summer holidays.
TRANTO. I never looked at myself in that light. But I suppose I am

rather new here.
JOHN. Not quite new. But you've made a lot of progress during the last
term.
TRANTO. That's comforting.
JOHN. You understand what I mean. You were rather stiff and prim in
August--now you aren't a bit.
TRANTO. Just so. Well, I won't ask you what you think of me,
John--you might tell me--but what do you think of my newspaper?
JOHN. _The Echo_? I don't know what to think. You see, we don't read
newspapers much at school. Some of the masters do. And a few chaps
in the Fifth--swank, of course. But speaking generally we don't.
Prefects don't. No time.
TRANTO. How strange! Aren't you interested in the war?
JOHN. Interested in the war! Would you mind if I spoke plainly?
TRANTO. I should love it.
JOHN. Each time I come home I wonder more and more whether you
people in London have got the slightest notion what war really is. Fact!
At school, it's just because we are interested in the war that we've no
time for newspapers.
TRANTO. How's that?
JOHN. How's that? Well, munition workshops--with government
inspectors tumbling all over us about once a week. O.T.C. work. Field
days. Cramming fellows for Sandhurst. Not to mention female masters.
'Mistresses,' I ought to say, perhaps. All these things take time.
TRANTO. I never thought of that.
JOHN. No. People don't. However, I've decided to read newspapers in

future--it'll be part of my scheme. That's why I was reading The Echo.
Now, I should like to ask you something about this paper of yours.
TRANTO. Yes.
JOHN. Why do you let Hilda write