The Three Clerks | Page 5

INTERNAL
NAVIGATION III. THE WOODWARDS IV. CAPTAIN
CUTTWATER V. BUSHEY PARK VI. SIR GREGORY
HARDLINES VII. MR. FIDUS NEVERBEND VIII. THE HON.
UNDECIMUS SCOTT IX. MR. MANYLODES X. WHEAL MARY
JANE XI. THE THREE KINGS XII. CONSOLATION XIII. A
COMMUNICATION OF IMPORTANCE XIV. VERY SAD XV.
NORMAN RETURNS TO TOWN XVI. THE FIRST WEDDING
XVII. THE HONOURABLE MRS. VAL AND MISS GOLIGHTLY
XVIII. A DAY WITH ONE OF THE NAVVIES.--MORNING XIX. A
DAY WITH ONE OF THE NAVVIES.--AFTERNOON XX. A DAY
WITH ONE OF THE NAVVIES.--EVENING XXI. HAMPTON
COURT BRIDGE XXII. CRINOLINE AND MACASSAR; OR, MY
AUNT'S WILL XXIII. SURBITON COLLOQUIES XXIV. MR.
M'BUFFER ACCEPTS THE CHILTERN HUNDREDS XXV.
CHISWICK GARDENS XXVI. KATIE'S FIRST BALL XXVII.
EXCELSIOR XXVIII. OUTERMAN v. TUDOR XXIX. EASY IS
THE SLOPE OF HELL XXX. MRS. WOODWARD'S REQUEST
XXXI. HOW APOLLO SAVED THE NAVVY XXXII. THE
PARLIAMENTARY COMMITTEE XXXIII. TO STAND, OR NOT
TO STAND XXXIV. WESTMINSTER HALL XXXV. MRS. VAL'S
NEW CARRIAGE XXXVI. TICKLISH STOCK XXXVII.
TRIBULATION XXXVIII. ALARIC TUDOR TAKES A WALK
XXXIX. THE LAST BREAKFAST XL. MR. CHAFFANBRASS XLI.

THE OLD BAILEY XLII. A PARTING INTERVIEW XLIII.
MILLBANK XLIV. THE CRIMINAL POPULATION IS DISPOSED
OF XLV. THE FATE OF THE NAVVIES XLVI. MR. NOGO'S LAST
QUESTION XLVII. CONCLUSION
CHAPTER I
THE WEIGHTS AND MEASURES
All the English world knows, or knows of, that branch of the Civil
Service which is popularly called the Weights and Measures. Every
inhabitant of London, and every casual visitor there, has admired the
handsome edifice which generally goes by that name, and which stands
so conspicuously confronting the Treasury Chambers. It must be owned
that we have but a slip-slop way of christening our public buildings.
When a man tells us that he called on a friend at the Horse Guards, or
looked in at the Navy Pay, or dropped a ticket at the Woods and Forests,
we put up with the accustomed sounds, though they are in themselves,
perhaps, indefensible. The 'Board of Commissioners for Regulating
Weights and Measures', and the 'Office of the Board of Commissioners
for Regulating Weights and Measures', are very long phrases; and as, in
the course of this tale, frequent mention will be made of the public
establishment in question, the reader's comfort will be best consulted
by maintaining its popular though improper denomination.
It is generally admitted that the Weights and Measures is a well-
conducted public office; indeed, to such a degree of efficiency has it
been brought by its present very excellent secretary, the two very
worthy assistant-secretaries, and especially by its late most respectable
chief clerk, that it may be said to stand quite alone as a high model for
all other public offices whatever. It is exactly antipodistic of the
Circumlocution Office, and as such is always referred to in the House
of Commons by the gentleman representing the Government when any
attack on the Civil Service, generally, is being made.
And when it is remembered how great are the interests entrusted to the
care of this board, and of these secretaries and of that chief clerk, it

must be admitted that nothing short of superlative excellence ought to
suffice the nation. All material intercourse between man and man must
be regulated, either justly or unjustly, by weights and measures; and as
we of all people depend most on such material intercourse, our weights
and measures should to us be a source of never-ending concern. And
then that question of the decimal coinage! is it not in these days of
paramount importance? Are we not disgraced by the twelve pennies in
our shilling, by the four farthings in our penny? One of the worthy
assistant-secretaries, the worthier probably of the two, has already
grown pale beneath the weight of this question. But he has sworn
within himself, with all the heroism of a Nelson, that he will either do
or die. He will destroy the shilling or the shilling shall destroy him. In
his more ardent moods he thinks that he hears the noise of battle
booming round him, and talks to his wife of Westminster Abbey or a
peerage. Then what statistical work of the present age has shown half
the erudition contained in that essay lately published by the secretary
on _The Market Price of Coined Metals_? What other living man could
have compiled that chronological table which is appended to it,
showing the comparative value of the metallic currency for the last
three hundred years? Compile it indeed! What other secretary or
assistant-secretary belonging to any public office of the present day,
could even read it and live? It completely silenced Mr. Muntz for a
session, and even The Times was afraid to review it.
Such a state of official excellence has not, however, been obtained
without its drawbacks, at any rate in the eyes of