The Tables Turned | Page 9

and indeed I hope you are, for nothing else could excuse
the brutality of your language.
_J. F_. Oh, don't put yourself out, my lord. You've got the whip-hand
of me, you know. I thought I heard an echo; that's all. Well, I will say
no more, but call the Archbishop of Canterbury.
[Enter the ARCHBISHOP, _who is received with much reverence and

attention. He is sworn_.
_J. F_. Your Grace, were you present at the meeting at Beadon Road
where I was arrested?
Arch. Yes--yes, I was there. Strange to say, it was on a Sunday morning.
I needed some little refreshment from the toils of ecclesiastical office.
So I took a cab, I admit under the pretext of paying a visit to my
brother of London; and having heard the fame of these Socialist
meetings, I betook me to one of them for my instruction and profit: for
I hold that in these days even those that are highest in the Church
should interest themselves in social matters.
_J. F_. Well, my lord, were you pleased with what you saw and heard?
Arch. I confess, sir, that I was disappointed.
_J. F_. Why, my lord?
Arch. Because of the extreme paucity of the audience.
_J. F_. Were there a thousand persons present?
Arch. (_severely_). I must ask you not to jest with me in the sacredly
respectable precincts of a Court of Justice. To the best of my
remembrance, there were present at the commencement of your
discourse but three persons exclusive of yourself. That fact is impressed
on my mind from the rude and coarse words which you said when you
mounted your stool or rostrum to the friend who accompanied you and
had under his arm a bundle of a very reprehensible and ribald print
called the Commonweal, one of which he, I may say, forced me to
purchase.
_J. F_. Well, what did I say?
Arch. You said, "I say, Bill! damned hard lines to have to speak to a
lamp-post, a kid, and an old buffer"--by the latter vulgarity indicating
myself, as I understand.

_J. F_. Yes, my lord, so it is. Now let me ask you, if that matters, is
Beadon Road a thronged thoroughfare?
Arch. On the contrary; at least on the morning on which I was there,
there was a kind of Sabbath rest about it, scarcely broken by the
harangue of yourself, sir.
_J. F_. You heard what I said, my lord?
Arch. I did, and was much shocked at it.
_J. F_. Well, did I say anything about bowels?
Arch. I regret to say that you did.
_J. F_. Do you remember the words I used?
Arch. Only too well. You said, but at great length, and with much
embroidery of language more than questionable, that capital had no
bowels for the worker, nor owners of capital either; and that since no
one else would be kind to them, the workers must be kind to
themselves and take the matter into their own hands.
_J. N_. (_making notes_). Owners of _the capital_; workman must take
the matter--take the matter--into their own hands.
_J. F_. Well, I have no more questions to ask your Grace.
_Mr. H_. With many excuses, your Grace, I will ask you a question.
Arch. Certainly, Mr Hungary.
_Mr. H_. You say that the audience was very small; that was at first;
but did it not increase as time went on?
Arch. Yes; an itinerant vendor of ices drew up his stall there, and two
policemen--these gentlemen--strolled in, and some ten or more others
stood round us before the orator had finished.

_Mr. H_. (_Aside_: H'm! old beggar will be so very specific. Let's try
him as to the sedition.) (To ARCH.) My lord, you said that you were
shocked at what the prisoner said: what was the nature of his discourse?
Arch. I regret to have to say that it was a mass of the most frightful
incendiarism, delivered with an occasional air of jocularity and dry
humour that made my flesh creep. Amidst the persistent attacks on
property he did not spare other sacred things. He even made an attack
on my position, stating (wrongly) the amount of my moderate stipend.
Indeed, I think he recognised me, although I was partially disguised.
_J. F_. (_Aside_: True for you, old Benson, or else how could I have
subpoenaed you?)
_Mr. H_. I thank your Grace: that will do.
_J. F_. I now call Lord Tennyson.
[LORD TENNYSON sworn.
_J. F_. My lord, have you been present, in disguise, at a meeting of the
Socialist League in 13 Farringdon Road?
Lord T. What's that to you? What do you want to know for? Yes, I have,
if it comes to that.
_J. F_. Who brought you there?
Lord T.